I was born a snake-handler, I’ll die a snake-handler

Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I… um, what was the third thing you said?

Of all the characters I could have become, I never thought I’d be Moe.

Last night, in Springfield, Moe met a beautiful woman through the internet, but his inability to stop being a troll of a man ended the relationship.

I’m on the road to being a Moe. Why couldn’t I be a Lenny or a Lionel Hutz or an Apu? No, I gotta be a Moe. I’ve been working so hard not to become a Comic Book Guy or a Principal Skinner that I didn’t see this coming.

Insomnia Blogging: the Truth Comes Out

I’ve been on Lavalife for a couple of weeks now. I am not liking it. It’s pretty skeevy. The woman I wrote about last week that I was chatting with. I met her through Lavalife.

I’ve also been using eHarmony. I tweaked my answers from the first time I took the entrance personality survey and I was not given the “we can’t help you” rejection letter.

Last night, I met a woman for coffee. She was the first person I’ve physically met due to the use of a dating service. She seems pretty nice. We chatted for while. One of those things where she said “Wow, I can’t believe it’s already 10 o’clock.”

I had a good time. I’ve got a feeling though that she maybe didn’t. I think she got bored of me by the end of our discussion. Only time will tell.

Other than that, I think having the coffee was a bad decision for me. I got maybe three hours of sleep last night. I’m frickin’ exhausted this morning just from lack of sleep. Yesterday, I never really had any time to eat much. It was a very go go go day and the caffeine in my empty stomach must have had a stronger effect. I couldn’t fall asleep last night.

That Ol’ Magic

There’s something about baseball that no other sport has, in my opinion. A sense of magic and beauty and power in the history. Old timey baseball is something unique.

Last night, I watched a program called When It Was A Game, a documentary made up entirely of 8 and 16mm home video footage taken between 1925 and 1961, with narration and quotes from players, writers and fans.

There was something very special about baseball in the olden days. Other than the obvious cultural and political impact the game had (Jackie Robinson crossing the colour barrier, the players joining the war effort, stuff like that). The game itself seemed to carry a certain magic and beauty.

Take for example, that scene from Fields of Dreams where Burt Lancaster is telling Kevin Costner what he would do if he got a chance to have one at bat in the majors. The mystique of the game is so powerful, it allowed Costner to do a scene without having to act, just react to Lancaster. And nobody wants to see Costner act. The game was so powerful, it made Costner tolerable on screen.

Baseball no longer has that magic. The players haven’t that mystique in their character, they got no charisma. Baseball used to have players like Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle and Satchiel Paige. Today, there is only one player in baseball that seems to exude that old time magic, and that’s Roy Halladay.

Happy Canada Day!

For those of you out of the loop, today is Canada Day (formerly Dominion Day). It is my nation’s birthday.

I thought I’d use this opportunity to list some of the greatest people and achievements from Canada.

Hockey – Only the greatest sport on skates. Fast paced with lots of hitting and swinging of sticks, there’s nothing better.

Rush – The world’s premier prog rock band. Three guys, all masters of their own instruments driven to always be the best.

Kiefer Sutherland – That’s right. Jack Bauer’s a Canuck!

Seagrams – The company that gave us Crown Royal whiskey is Canadian.

Roy Brown – Never heard of him, have ya? Have you heard of the German World War I ace, the Red Baron? Well, who do you think shot his kraut ass down? That’s right. Canadian pilot Roy Brown.

Alex Trebek – Who is the host of Jeopardy?

Weekend Recap

My weekend was supposed to start early and finish late. Nothing went as planned.

Friday, I woke up thinking I’ll only have to work a half day. I did only work a half day, but it was a busy half day. But even before I got to work, I found out that somebody had egged my car at night. Have you any idea how hard it is to wash off dried egg from a car? It ain’t easy, that’s fer sure.

At night, I stayed in muttering to myself about what I would do if I found that little shit that egged my car.

Saturday, I worked nearly a full day. After work, I went to the movies with Bob and the Twins. We saw the news Transformers movie. Megan Fox is super hot. I’m talking fuck-her-till-my-dick-falls-off hot.

But on to more important matters. What’s the deal with those idiots who laugh at stereotypical “black” character in movies?

In TF, there’s this robot that talks like a black guy, like a stereotypical black guy in a movie, like Will Smith or Martin Lawrence. Why is it that black characters in movies have to sound like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Morgan Freeman doesn’t walk around saying “Yo yo you, wussup homes?” Well, not anymore anyways.

To make matters worse, there is always one guy in the movie theatre who busts a gut everytime one of those lines are spoken. I remember, way back in the day, when I saw Men In Black, there was this one guy behind me who laughed at everything Will Smith said in that movie. I don’t know how many of you remember Men In Black, but there wasn’t one funny thing about that wretched piece of shit movie and anybody who found it funny is obviously recouping from a lobotomy.

So, when we poured out of the theatre on Saturday night, I did my usual passive aggressive thing. I had a very good idea who it was being the laughing jackass in the theatre and made sure to comment loudly about the jackass to my friends.

“So WIGSF, what did you think about the movie?”

“Oh, it was okay, I guess. I could have done without the black-talking robot that MADE THE JACKASS BEHIND ME LAUGH HIS ASS OFF PROVING TO WORLD THAT HE’S A FUCKING MORON!”

I’m pretty sure he heard me.

On Sunday, I relaxed. My brother and sister came over for dinner. We had barbecue.

Monday, no work, more relax. I went shopping. I bought some shoes.

I’M A GIRL WHO LIKES TO GO SHOE SHOPPING!

I went to Sportchek and bought a pair of running shoes. Something I can wear in the gym. I don’t like wearing my Pumas on the treadmill and stuff like that.

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Torontonians Don’t Deserve a Clean City

Monday, a large public service union in Toronto went on strike. This union on strike includes the people who pick up the garbage. A strike that was much publicized and planned well in advance. A strike that only covers four fifths of the city, (the union doesn’t represent garbage men in the Etobicoke area of Toronto).

I’m going to forgo the issue that unions are no longer required in our society and go straight to the Toronto trashing. (Pun intended!)

I don’t know how often garbage in Toronto is collected, but I have it on good authority it’s a once a week thing.

So, the strike began on Monday. By Tuesday morning, people were seen dumping garbage in public places. Piles of garbage had appeared all over the place. Some people have been exporting their garbage to their places of business where garbage is picked up privately or giving garbage to friends and families in other towns where there is no strike.

Okay, garbage pickup is a weekly thing. But not the whole city is covered in a single day. Each day of the week, a different part of town has it’s garbage picked up. The strike is four fifths of the city and each day one fifth of the city is missing it’s garbage pickup. Public dumping began after one day. So, people began dumping after one fifth of four fifths of the city missed it’s garbage pickup. (Can a person with mathematical skills better than I please elaborate what one fifth of four fifths is for me? I think that’s four twenty-fifths which is pretty close to one sixth.)

There are places in Toronto were people can drop off their garbage and those places are being made inconvenient by striking workers, but those places are available and stations are accepting garbage. It’s not like there is no option for Torontonians to get rid of a week’s worth of garbage.

People knew this strike was coming and did nothing to prepare for it. They did not develop garbage reducing habits. They did not increase their ability to temporarily store their own garbage in case of a strike. They simply looked for the lazy route of public dumping.

If that’s how Torontonians want to live, I say let them all frickin’ rot! You people are pigs. You have no sense of community if that’s how you are going to behave after one effing day of a garbage strike.

It’s now Thursday morning and the strike is still going on. Garbage pickups have now been missed in three fifths of four fifths of the city. Remember, some people have still not missed their garbage pickup date for the week.

Some media reports I’ve read and heard have stated this could be a long strike. If so, it’s going to be a long, smelly summer in Satan’s asshole, er, Toronto.

In conclusion, FUCK TORONTO!