Lesbians!

This post is dedicated to a certain person. I won’t name you, I won’t out you, you know who you are and you know why this post is for you. Good luck buddy and keep reaching for them stars.

This is another one of those posts that began as a comment on another blog. Face it folks, you guys give me some of my best ideas.

Those who know me, know that I hate Kevin Smith. Not that I’ve met the man, but its his body of work that I dislike. His direction is horrible. Any good director would have kicked the shit out of Ben Affleck for that coffee shop scene in Chasing Amy instead of leaving it in the final cut of the film. But I digress, that film did raise a very good point. In one scene, Jason Lee is telling Ben Affleck about the myth of the man-friendly lesbian. He drew some diagram of the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a man-friendly lesbian and a man-hating dyke all trying to pick up a hundred dollar bill and why the one who gets the money is the dyke because the other three don’t exist. That is true. Sorry kids, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus aren’t real. And sorry guys, that man-friendly lesbian, she’s fake too.

All lesbians are of that flannel-wearing, Indigo Girls-listening, man-hating feminazi ilk. All lesbians. No exceptions. Lesbians hate men and all things man-like. Ever been to a lesbian grocery store, no bananas, no popsicles, no nuts what-so-ever.

Oh wait, what’s that you say, you’ve known or seen hot chicks, hot chicks who like men yet have had female to female relations. Sorry guys, those aren’t actually lesbians. Sure, they’ve done some lesbiatic activities, but they’re not lesbians. Their activities were done to confuse and bewilder a man. These so-called lesbians make sure a man knows what has happened. They want the man to know about it because they know it turns the man on. They want the man to get all hot and bothered and there’s no better way than to have him imagine two hot chicks getting it on. And to top it all off, by being with a woman instead of a man, it creates some of that forbidden fruit lust.

There is one other reason why two women would bump bagels, mind-altering chemicals. Drinking and drugging can make people do some crazy things. These women might not have actually done any lesbiatic activities, they might just be lying to the man. I wouldn’t put that past most women.

Unlike real lesbians, these pseudo-lesbians certainly do provide some benefit to mankind. Of course I am talking of pornography. It’s great entertainment. And on rare, rare, rare occasions, when a lot of alcohol has been consumed, they’ll let a man join them. Yaa-hoo!

Here are some helpful hints to help distinguish real lesbians from those fake cock-teasing pseudo-lesbians:

• If she’s smiling and giggling, she’s a pseudo-lesbian. If she ain’t, lesbian.
• If she’s talking to a man, pseudo-lesbian. If she’s yelling, lesbian.
• If she’s playing volleyball or tennis, pseudo-lesbian. Golf, lesbian.
• If she shrieks at the sight of a rat, pseudo-lesbian. If she picks up said rat and throws it at the nearest man, lesbian.
• Listens to Melissa Etheridge, pseudo-lesbian. Thinks Melissa Etheridge is a sellout, lesbian.
• Beer from a bottle, pseudo-lesbian. Beer from a can, lesbian.
• Thinks Brad Pitt is hot, pseudo-lesbian. Thinks Rosie O’Donnell is hot, LESBIAN! And not very picky.

Ultimately, it’s these fake lesbians that men like. They can be fun to be around. They’re just not so negative towards the penis, some of them are enviting to the penis, sometimes. Yet I feel sorry for the real lesbians (even though they hate me because I’m a man). Their lifestyle has been co-opted by a bunch of hot and sexy young ladies for the amusement of men. The only thing lesbians want to do for men is stomp on them with those big ol’ army boots they’re always wearing.

Further Reading: Dinosaur Comics.

The WhatIGotSoFar series on Women

The Ladies: A Man’s Perspective

Why Did She Do That?

Breasts, Boobs and Bazongas

More On [ic] Women

The Toilet Seat

Tags: Cinema, List, Women?