Ask WIGSF: the Answers

Thanks to everybody who wrote in. I very much enjoyed reading your questions and I very much enjoyed responding to them.

To really get into the questions, I’ve tried reading them in what I’d think the voice of each writer is like. Most of the writers, I’ve never heard their voices. A lot of it is guess work based on the writing style. I have included a description of each voice so you can play along too.

Maxie asked in a valley girl voice: If I was visiting Canada, where should I go and what should I do? Do you think people are nicer in Canada?

If you were to visit Canada, there are many places to go. It is a pretty big country. If you like to ski and all that goes with the ski resort mentality, Banff, Alberta. Really pricey, but apparently its pretty nice. If you need a heroin fix, Vancouver. If you like watching women take their clothes off for money while being surrounded by snooty French people, Montreal. If you want green, rolling hills and nothing else, the east coast. Otherwise, Toronto. Its the biggest city in Canada and therefore has all the big city stuff. The nightclub scene is a bit to urban for my liking but to each his/her own, right? And if you like really big phallic symbols, there is none bigger than the CN Tower.

As for whether or not Canadians are nicer. We’re not. The Ministry of Tourism has recently enacted a new policy where all tourists are spat at upon entering the country. If you’re driving in, when the customs official asks “Can I see your passport,” duck. That official has got a loogie with your name on it. You don’t want to know what we do to people arriving by the airplane (we’ve only got the one).

But I guess the one definitive good thing about my nation, better beer. Okay, not so much better taste-wise, its more like beer in Canada is an alcoholic beverage. Even the imports are stronger in Canada. A bottle of Heinekin in the States (~3%) is different from a botttle of Heinekin in Canada (~5%), although they’re both imported from the same place.

I can’t speak for restaurants outside Toronto, but the ones in Toronto are great. I don’t think enough is said about the dining experience in Toronto. Just stay out of the restaurants in Toronto’s Scarborough area. For some reason, all the restuarants there have crumby service.

In conclusion, if you get a chance, come up here. Give Toronto a try. Its a nice place to visit. Especially in the Spring or Autumn. That’s when the weather is really nice. The Summer might be too humid for spending any amount of time outdoors.

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Dan asked like that good drinking buddy every guy has: What’s up with that $500 bet you made a while back? Any progress?

Good question Dan. As it turns out, the agreement was not as I described it originally. From later discussions with pals Bob and Columbia, it was determined that Columbia is going to pay $500 dollars to the first of me or Bob to do the dirty deed with a woman in a manner that is consistent with a set of rules that were agreed upon.

As for any progress, on my part, no progress has been achieved. I haven’t actually tried. There is a part of me that really wants Bob to take this challenge. He needs it more than me (the sex, not the money). Of course, there is also a part of me that is forgetting what boobs look like.

I also see the situation from a financial perspective. Sure, if I win, I’ll get $500. But how much will it cost me in dinners, drinks, flowers and shit like that. Frankly, the $500 won’t cover my expenses. It may be cheaper in the long run just to get a hooker. And with a hooker, there’s none of that relationship bullshit bogging me down afterwards.

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Bob asked trying to be sly but failing miserably: I don’t know where to start, so many questions to ask, so little time: 1) Do you plan on working for your boss for the rest of your life? 2) Who is going to win the NBA championship this season? 3) Are you planning on moving anytime in the next 5 years? 4) Who is going to win the Superbowl? 5) Do you want to go to my bro’s on saturday night?

1) Only the rest of his life.

2) Kobe.

3) No. I love it in Maple.

4) The New England Patriots.

5) Not really.

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Miss Ash asked in a firm, angry feminist voice, almost acusitory in tone: Yes I would also like to know the progress on the bet. As well as: 2)Who do you live with? 3)Why do you dislike women so much?

2) My wife.

3) See answer #2.

Okay, seriously, I didn’t always dislike women, I used to like them. Then I realized they all disliked me. I’m not willing to bend over backwards to appease them and their irrational hatred of all things me. I’m better than that. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem, not mine.

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Wiwille asked in generic manly curious tone: 1) Do you have any desire to be involved in matrimony? 2) Why do you believe Miss Ash is the hotness? 3) Would you ever be an activist in Canadian politics? 4) Ginger or Mary Ann? 5) Does your obesssion with modern music mask the fact that your secret desire is to be a world champion square dancer?

1) Right now, I think my current level of matrimonial involvement is plenty. Honestly, I’m just not sold on the whole ’till death part. People can live for a long time these days. I don’t see somebody putting up with me for more than a week let alone a lifetime.

2) She ain’t half bad to look at, you know, when she’s not tomato red. And she likes Bowie.

3) Possibly. If it ever gets to the point where the socialist powers that rule this country ever make direct efforts to negatively alter my lifestyle (or that of my family), I may have to put aside the rhetoric and physically take a stand.

4) Mary Ann.

5) I have no desire to be a world champion square dancer. I’m not much for the dancing. The music I enjoy very much. As for modern music, if you’re thinking modern music is just new music, screw that shit. Its all junk. But if by modern you mean music of the 20th century and on, well, there’s just so much of it. Prior to that century, audio recording wasn’t in existance. Sure, classical music has some great pieces, but all we have of Mozart and Beethoven is the sheet music, we don’t have the performances themselves.

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Helloblog asked in thick accent, not sure exactly which one, something British: 1. How do you like your tea? Strong or rather milky? And do you perfer it in a cup or a mug? (Yeah, that’s right, i’m combining questions). 2. Do you know my mum’s boss, Mario? He is also from Canada. 3. Who won the FA cup in 1988?

1. I like my tea strong but I often use a bit soy milk instead of any other whitener. I also change the amount of sugar I use from time to time. Right now, a spoon and a half of sugar. And I drink it in a mug. I’ve actually got a couple of those large mugs that fits nearly a litre of tea.

2. I’m an Italian Canadian. Do you have any idea how many people I’ve met named Mario?

3. Wimbledon.

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Shae asked, how to describe that tone, high of pitch with a generous dosage of happiness and curiosity: 1) What makes your world go round? 2) What’s your ideal woman? 3) Ginger or Mary Ann? (I’m copying wiwille!)

JOY!

I’m going to answer #2 first. My ideal woman, I’ve covered this before but I’ll sum it up for ya. She’s funny, passionate, musical, and enjoys a good meal; therefore she doesn’t exist.

My world, well, my world is Earth and based on generally accepted scientic theories, it goes around because of the Sun’s gravitational pull. For more details, ask somebody who has studied astrophysics. I’ve got a diploma in computer programming, that’s it. I was never that interested in physics.

But if you were asking that question in a more metaphysical tone, well, its got nothing to do with the Sun. My world revolves around finding pleasure in the simple things. I don’t have oodles of money, I don’t sleep with supermodels and I keep my nose clean. Pleasure, happiness, its all around. An evening walk through a lightly snowed on park, fried chicken, turning on the radio and hearing a great song I’ve haven’t heard in a long time, stuff like that. That’s what makes my world go round.

And again, Mary Ann.

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Jessica asked in a simple, bland manner: Do people in your real like know about this here blog? Was there ever a WIGSF 1.0?

Them is some good questions. A couple of people I know in life read this blog. Bob and Juice stop by from time to time.

When I started blogging, I used Blogger but after some screwy technical difficulties I was having with the site during the whole Blogger Beta fiasco, I switched over to WordPress. When I made that switch, I chose to change up the name, just a bit. This is my second significant attempt at blogging. I think the version 2.0 is both appropriate and nerdy. And Jessica, I’m a nerd, a big one.

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