Contest Answers

Here are the correct answers for the contest. I’ve even included a brief explanation. (In case you actually care.)

Question #1 - Who is my favourite female vocalist?
a) Betty Davis
b) Ann Wilson
c) Mavis Staples
d) Tina Turner

All great voices with character and all have some great music. But only one could be my favourite. Mavis Staples is that one. Listen to her on The Last Waltz and tell me that’s not the greatest sound a woman has ever made. You read that right. The greatest sound.

Question #2 - What is my favourite fruit?
a) Cherry
b) Banana
c) Grape
d) Honeydew Melon

I prefer cherries. That is all. Not as much as I prefer the artificial cherry flavour that found its way into gum and soda pop, but they are the yummiest of all fruits.

Question #3 - Why is that my favourite fruit?
a) The colour
b) The flavour
c) How I think it resembles a sexual organ
d) It makes me seamen sweeter

Anybody who chose option D, what the heck were you thinking? Even if that was true, that a fruit could make my seed taste sweeter (I’ve heard pineapple does that), why would I care? I’m not going to taste my seed. What do you think I am, some contortionist who likes to blow himself? Cherries are the tastiest of all fruits. Pretty simple stuff there folks.

Question #4 - Who did I vote for in the last federal election?
a) The NDP candidate
b) The Green Party candidate
c) The Liberal Party candidate
d) I spoiled my ballot

I disliked the Conservative candidate in my riding and the Green guy was a former Reform party candidate. I sure as hell wasn’t voting for the commies in the NDP. In hind sight, I should have voted for the Liberal candidate. He won anyway and he earned it. He’s a good politician and a great man.

Question #5 - What was the single greatest baseball game ever?
a) Mark McGwire breaks Roger Maris’ single season home run record
b) Dennis Martinez throws a perfect game
c) Game six of the 1995 World Series
d) Game seven of the 1991 World Series

Even though my favourite baseball team lost that game, seeing a pitcher go ten shutout innings in the seventh game of the World Series was just incredible.

Question #6 - What was the first song I ever slow-danced to?
a) Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard
b) Tuesday’s Gone by Lynard Skynyrd
c) Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
d) Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion

I wasn’t going to dance to no Diane Warren crap, that’s fer sure. It was at some birthday party. My buddy B was being nagged by his girlfriend to dance with her. He kept saying “Only if a good song is playing.” Being his good buddy, I dug through the DJs collection until I found something worthwhile. By worthwhile, I mean, you know, some rock ballad. I found the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. My buddy grabbed his gal and I said what the heck and grabbed the birthday girl. And thanks to Woozie for correcting my poor spelling.

Question #7 - Who is my favourite professional wrestler of all time?
a) Hulk Hogan
b) Koko B. Ware
c) Ric Flair
d) Bret “The Hitman” Hart

The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.

Question #8 - Why do I not partake in aquatic activities such as swimming, diving, etc.?
a) Allergic to chlorine
b) I have embarassing tan lines
c) Near death experience at a water park
d) I don’t want to mess up my hair

I’m never going back to Wild Water Kingdom.

Question #9 - Who is my favourite MadTV cast member?
a) Bryan Callen
b) David Herman
c) Artie Lange
d) Orlando Jones

Question #10 - I have one tattoo, what is it?
a) Barbed wire around my bicep
b) A cross
c) A woman’s name
d) The Tasmanian Devil

Simple and both Christian and Rock & Roll.

Question #11 - When I sleep, which direction do I prefer to face?
a) Up
b) Down
c) Left
d) Right

I don’t know why, it’s just more comfortable that way.

Question #12 - How many piercings do I have?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 4

God gave me a certain number of holes in my head and I’d like to keep it that way.

Question #13 - What is my favourite Hallowe’en treat?
a) Rockets
b) Jack O’Lantern gumballs
c) Potato chips
d) Candy corn

I love ‘em! Sometimes, I crush ‘em and grind ‘em and put them in a glass of soda pop.

Question #14 - What actor do people most frequently say I look like?
a) Robert DeNiro
b) Al Pacino
c) Peter Lorre
d) Tony Danza

I don’t see the resemblence. I definetely see it in my father, but not in me. But people have come up to me and said I look like Al Pacino. A former co-worker of mine used to call me Pacino. He’d say “Hey, Pacino. Hey Scarface. How’s it goin’?” He’s dead now. I found out he slept with my sister. So I killed him.

Question #15 - Who did a see throw a can of beer at a cop?
a) Me
b) Bob
c) Juice
d) none of the above

I don’t want to embarass the person who did do it. But I did see a guy throw a nearly full can of beer at a cop. It was a tall boy too.

Question #16 - Why did I watch the Weather Network morning show everyday for a year?
a) The anchorwoman was hot
b) I worked outside and needed to know how to dress appropriately
c) Allergy/pollen reports
d) They do best reporting on road conditions

One day she wore tight leather pants. Yow-zah! I think she’s on CTV Newsnet now. Always behind a desk though. And she’s aged a bit. Not well.

Question #17 - What time does my alarm clock go off in the morning?
a) 5:30AM
b) 5:45AM
c) 6:00AM
d) 6:15AM

Leaves me just enough time to shower and get dressed before Sportscentre.

Question #18 - What is my favourite flavour of tea?
a) Peppermint
b) Vanilla Bean
c) Orange Pekoe
d) Ginger

It’s hard to find a good brand, but it’s wonderful stuff if you can find it.

Question #19 - What do I want to have done to my remains after I pass away?
a) Cremation
b) Burial
c) Stuffed and have my head mounted like a buck
d) Burial at sea

Who wants it after I go?

Question #20 - When I was a small child, which television program did I never miss?
a) Mr. Dressup
b) Romper Room
c) The Friendly Giant
d) The Flintstones

12:00PM, channel 8 in Toronto, the CTV affliate would play it every weekday. I’d get home just before it started from kindergarten and I’d plunk my butt down on the floor and not move for thirty minutes. Yabba dabba doo!

Question #21 - How old was I when I ate my very first hamburger?
a) 5 years old
b) 10 years old
c) 15 years old
d) 25 years old

I found beef to be an acquired taste. I actually spent much of my life as a vegetarian. I very rarely ate any meat as a child and a teen. Obviously, expect for the meat flavouring in McDonald’s french fries that most people didn’t know about.

Question #22 - What is the name I use to describe my usual pizza order (toppings include ground beef, grilled chicken and bacon)?
a) The Eliminator
b) The Widowmaker
c) The Barnyard Massacre
d) Heartattack In A Layby

One of every farm animal I can find. By the looks of this, the vegetarian phase is definetly over. And I’m possibly trying to make up for lost time.

Question #23 - What was my New Year’s Resolution for 1998?
a) Ten pushups, ten situps and ten chinups everyday
b) Read a book every week
c) Regulary attend church
d) Keep my hands off myself (you know what I mean)

Question #24 - How long did I maintain my resolution?
a) Into September
b) Into June
c) Into February
d) January 2nd

Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, those pansies. What a bunch of losers! The resolution failed when a buddy of mine brought over a movie called Cheerleader Nurses 2.

Question #25 - What was the first concert I ever attended?
a) Tesla at Kingswood
b) Supernova Battle of the Bands at The Gasworks
c) Eye at The Opera House
d) David Bowie at The Air Canada Centre

Juice’s first band was performing. I had to go to show my support.

Question #26 - Who is my favourite stand up comedian
a) Chris Rock
b) Dennis Miller
c) Sam Kinison
d) Emo Phillips

[Insert incredibly long and obscure metaphor here.]

Question #27 - What substance did my Brother get me to consume when I was a child?
a) Play-Doh
b) Some small pieces of Lego
c) Yellow snow
d) That soapy water solution used to blow bubbles

Amazingly years later, he convinced a friend of mine to do the same. I was 3 or 4 when I drank the stuff. My friend was 20 when he drank the stuff. Yeah, I’ve got some stupid friends.

Question #28 - Who is my favourite Beatle?
a) John
b) Paul
c) George
d) Ringo

Almost everybody picks John. I like George. He’s the quiet one.

Question #29 - Who is my favourite wife of a Beatle?
a) Yoko Ono
b) Linda Eastman
c) Pattie Boyd
d) Heather Mills

Inspired Layla and had the decency not to get involved with her husband’s music.

Question #30 - Who is my favourite Traveling Wilbury?
a) Nelson Wilbury (George Harrison)
b) Lefty Wilbury (Roy Orbison)
c) Charlie T. Jr (Tom Petty)
d) Lucky Wilbury (Bob Dylan)

He sorta started the band.

Question #31 - What is my favourite movie?
a) The Godfather
b) Citizen Kane
c) Scent of a Woman
d) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Just a fantastic movie; I can’t say enough great things about it.

Question #32 - At which venue did I see the Rolling Stones perform?
a) Air Canada Centre
b) Downsview Park
c) Horseshoe Tavern
d) Palais Royale

Great show, lots of stuff from Let It Bleed.

Question #33 - What is the most exciting thing in basketball?
a) The cheerleaders
b) Kobe Bryant
c) Big sweaty men bumping and grinding in the paint
d) Inflatable Raptor

Bob thinks it’s Kobe and that is a good guess, but it’s Inflatable Raptor. He’s just so cute (therefore possibly deadly) and funny.

Question #34 - What is my favourite musical instrument?
a) Gibson Les Paul guitar
b) Mellotron
c) Fiddle
d) Dobro

Big, ugly and competely pointless in a modern recording studio. But listen to Heart of the Sunrise and tell me it’s not great.

Question #35 - When did my insomnia start?
a) Last night
b) Fall of 1999
c) Spring of 2003
d) Summer of 1996

It’s when I started doing that graveyard shift job.

Question #36 - What is my favourite watering hole?
a) The Madison
b) Panorama
c) Intersteer
d) Archibald’s

For some reason, it’s just more fun to get drunk there than anyplace else. I can’t really explain it. It really sucks when you’re not drinking though.

Feel free to review your answers. I have yet to have the answers verified by my assistant, but the results tentatively look like this:
Third Place… Wiwille
Second Place… Random Chick
and First Place… the Amazing Karnak.