Insomnia Blogging: Dr. Ho’s Ab-Trimmer

You know you need more sleep when you watch an infomercial on the infomercial channel, and the infomercial is starting to make some sense.

For years I’ve been watching Dr. Ho’s infomercials because, well, frankly, Dr. Ho is this spokesperson for health and well-being products, but he’s this, how do I put it, he’s hilarious. Dr. Ho is a Chinese stereotype with a pretty fit body. His assistant is a semi-hot anglosized Chinese lady in a leotard. Both of them are the worst actors in the world. Dr. Ho belongs in a deleted scene from UHF.

Lately, the products he’s been hawking have been really funny. First, there’s the adjustable, inflatable neck brace pillow. He demonstrates the pillow device on a bowling ball. Apparently, the average human head weighs ten pounds, just like a ten pound bowling ball. The bowling ball he used, had a frowny face drawn on it. After he pumped up the pillow, he turned the bowling ball around to reveal a smiley face drawn on the ball’s other side.

You can smell the cheese from there, can’t ya?

The other product is the Ab-Trimmer. Judging by the name, I’d have thought it was another one of those exercise devices for the abs. (Remember that red and grey rocketship shaped thing or that apparatus that simulates humping motions.) But the Ab-Trimmer is different. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I think it is some sort of pill and liquid combination that you consume. It’s supposed to be some sort of suped-up intestinal Drano.

Dr. Ho and his assistant are constantly referring to fecal matters being lodged in the intestines, creating both abdominal swelling and toxic fumes. Frankly, hearing some guy in a bad Chinese accent saying “Fecal matters” and “Toxic fumes” is pretty funny. But after a couple of minutes, my Lord did that guy just say “Fecal matters” again. He must have said it dozen times in under two minutes.

Instead of the bowling ball example, Dr. Ho used a set of two glass cylinders to demonstrate intestinal blockage. The first glass cylinder was shiny and empty. That was the example of a clean and fecal matter-free intestine. The second cylinder was full of this brown rock-like substance to simulate a blocked intestine. (For the love of God, that had better not be real poo. I would hate to have the job of the guy who had to put the poo in the jar.)

As I was watching this Ab-Trimmer infomercial, I was actually a bit intrigued. Maybe I have stale fecal matters rotting in my intestines creating toxic fumes inside my body. But as I think about it in the clear light of day, I’m going to stick to my diet of eating less fried and fatty foods and drinking more water and juice. It seems to be working, slowly, but working. And if all else fails, I’ll use a plumber’s snake.