Bloody Mess

I finally saw that recent Rambo movie.

That was the bloodiest, goriest action movie I’ve ever seen!

People don’t just get shot in that movie; they get limbs blown clear off their body. Every explosion has some body part being flug across the screen.

There’s this one scene where Rambo sneaks up behind a guy and rips the guy’s throat out, barehanded. When it happened, I thought Rambo was just going to break the guy’s neck, that one little doublesnap motion and then the guy falls limp to the ground, stone dead. Not this time. Rambo just stood there, holding this guy’s head and neck. Then slowly, blood started to pour through Rambo’s fingers. Then, RIIIIIPPPPPP! Rambo pulls away and the guy falls to the floor with a chunk of his neck missing.

One of the guy’s who is helping Rambo is a sniper. His rifle, nothing like the sniper rifle from Saving Private Ryan. A shot from this rifle can rip a Burmese soldier in two, and it does.

The violence in this movie is so graphic it becomes depressing by the end. I actually started to feel sorry for the really, really evil guys Rambo was slaughtering. The bad guys in this movie, they’re really bad. At one point, the bad guys, some Burmese Army battalion throws some mines into this rice field then they make their hostages race across the field. Any of the hostages to make it across the field without being blown up got gunned down right then and there for failure to step on a mine.

These bad guys are really bad, but, sheesh, the way some of them die. Limbs blown clear from the body, decapitations. This movie makes Paul Verhoeven look like tame by comparison.

All in all, not a bad movie. It wasn’t incredibly long. The story, pretty much out of the way after 28 minutes. Some Christian missionaries get kidnapped in war-torn Burma and Rambo is the last person to have seen them before they were kidnapped so he must show a group of mercenaries where he last saw them. That is the first third of the film. The rest of the movie is just violence.

Sylvester Stallone was very good in this movie. Okay, stop looking at me like that. This is a Rambo movie, Stallone didn’t speak much. There wasn’t any cheesy action hero lines. In every scene, Rambo is either trying to avoid talking to people, or he’s killing people. I think Stallone has finally figured it out. It’s a shame it took this long. Just because the picture is a talkie, doesn’t mean the star has to talk.

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Blogging about Sylester Stallone and Rambo has got me thinking about the philosophical and metaphysical implications of some of his films. Take for example, Demolition Man, a film about two people being sent forward in time and having to deal with a society that is a polar opposite from the society they left behind. In that film, all the restaurants are now Taco Bell franchises. Also, there is no longer any toilet paper. Think about that for a second. Everywhere you go, there’s a Taco Bell, but there is no toilet paper. To me, that sounds like some sort of ironic punishment doled out to the poor souls spending eternity in Hell.

This is the way I see it. Taco Bell should have some sort of promotion where you get a roll of toilet paper with each double cheesy burrito combo thingee. They could call it the Crappy Meal.