Often referred to as the May Two-Four weekend, the upcoming Monday is a holiday in Canada in celebration of Queen Victoria’s birthday. Yes, Queen Victoria passed away more than one hundred years ago, but in Canada, and possibly other Commonwealths, Her Royal Majesty’s birthday is still a holiday. But in Canada, the holiday has evolved into an excuse for people to go to a cottage, drink a two-four (24 bottles of beer) and moon the provincial police from the back of a pickup truck doing 51 kilometres over the speedlimit on the highway. Oh, and fireworks. Apparently the Queen loved fireworks, so every year, Canadians shoot fireworks into the sky.
That sort of fun isn’t my cup of tea. I’m not a cottage guy (why drive two hours just to mow the lawn when I can stay home and mow the lawn), I prefer either draught beer or hard liquor and I’ve had enough run-ins the law for one lifetime. No sense in showing them my fat ass.
This weekend, I will probably find every excuse to sleep in three days in a row. Sure, I’m incapable of sleeping in, period. But I can try dammit!
Tonight (Friday night), I’ve got dinner plans. Not sure where the dinner will be, a restaurant no doubt, but which one. Right now (Friday morning), I’m feeling Montanas Cookhouse, but maybe by dinnertime, I’ll be feeling Baton Rouge or Il Fornello. Also, it may be best for me to let my dining partner share in the decision making process.
With my friend Columbia still in town and a new wing place opened up in Richmond Hill, we’ve got to go out for wings at some point. Everytime Columbia comes back to Richmond Hill, we go out for wings.
Bob has again floated the idea of going to a drive-in movie. Apparently a drive-in about an hour north of here is running a triple feature on Sunday night. I don’t know, a drive-in movie doesn’t sound like something two guys should do. He has also mentioned this to the Wonder Twins with the hopes of getting the Twins to bring some of their young, single, female friends along as well. If that is the case, I think it may be better if I don’t go. Bob doesn’t need me running interference. Besides, one look at me and one look at Bob, and I think I know which way the single ladies will go. As far away as possible.
As for working this weekend, I don’t think I will. It doesn’t look like this Saturday is going to have any meetings scheduled. But I will probably have to help do some yardwork at my parents’ place. That’s probably a good thing. Working outside in the fresh air will do me good.
Happy Victoria Day everybody! Go see some fireworks and please try not to shoot the fireworks directly at other people.
This tale all begins on Thursday. Work was an absolute piece of shit on Thursday. My previous blog post mentioned Thursday sucking, but it was written Thursday morning. Thursday got worse. Thursday was one of those make a u-turn in a crowded parking structure while driving in reverse with a vehicle with no visibility out the back what-so-ever sort of days.
That day, Carmine and I had to switch vehicles. When he returned my vehicle to me, he left the lights on, so the battery was nicely drained, again. That would have been the third of fourth time he’s left the lights on and drained the battery of that vehicle.
Thursday evening, I needed a pair of new jeans to replace the pair I just destroyed. Although I knew it would be difficult finding something there I liked, I went to the largest mall in Canada. In that mall, the biggest mall in all the land, there was not a single pair of jeans that were not in the vintage look. I ALREADY HAVE OLD JEANS! I WANT A NEW PAIR OF JEANS! I settled on the least vintage looking pair I could find.
The jeans had a belt through the loops when I bought them. Okay, neat, free belt. Then I looked at the belt. Whatta crappy belt! No buckle or clasp or little pokey device. Just two metal loops. I’m sorry, but if I have to think about the belt to close it, it’s not a belt, it’s a challenge. It’s not long enough to hang myself with; I guess I’ll use to garrote people. Sure’s it’s a bit thick, but it should do the trick.
As I stumbled through the mall, I saw a lineup of children waiting to get there photo taken with somebody. It was Mr. Easter Bunny.
Wait a minute… Mr. MR!
Although I had never been told of the Easter Bunny’s gender, I had just assumed it was a woman. Think about that. The Easter Bunny delivers eggs. The last time I checked, egg production was the responsibility of the female of the species. You ever see a rooster lay an egg? Nope, I didn’t think so.
So Mr. Easter Bunny gets to go from town to town, mall to mall, meeting all kinds of wonderful people while Mrs. Easter Bunny has to stay home, plopping out chocolate eggs all day long. Somewhere in that situation, there exists a problem.
You just know that when Mr. Easter Bunny gets home, he’s going to say to the Mrs. “Hey honey, make some dinner. I’ve had a really long day.”
“I’m sick and tired of you coming home at all hours and demanding dinner. Take me out. You never take me anywhere any more.”
“Gimme me a break. I’ve just spent all day being sat on by snot-nosed little brats who just wanted to pull my ears. My goddamn ears are really goddamn sore. Just make a salad or something.”
“Make your own damn salad.”
“You’ve been home all day watching Oprah and your stories. I’ve been out, working! All I ask is one little salad.”
“That’s it Mr. I’m going to my mother’s.”
After the mall, I had to go to the grocery store. My Mother had told me she had forgot to buy an onion. An onion she needed for the Good Friday dinner. No problem I thought. I could just swing by the grocery store, pick up an onion and be in and out in two minutes.
Yeah right!
I hate going to the grocery store the day before a holiday. The place is always packed. And parents these days. They don’t discipline their children. All they do is load them up with so much sugar that the children become overstimulated and start to show symptoms of ADD. Which then causes the parents to dope the children up further with ridolin or someother mind-altering chemical. Hello, people! Make your children eat a fruit or something instead of candy, chocolate and candy-coated chocolate. There were these two kids, rolling on the floor while their mother was checking out a shopping cart full of food at the check-yourself-out express line. If this woman went to a regular line with a cashier, the cashier could scan each item and bag it and the mother could watch and discipline her horrible children. But no…
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah…the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
…
On Friday, I didn’t have the pasta. Too much work to cook pasta for myself as I didn’t want the spaghetti my Father was making. I had some chicken instead. My Aunt gave me a dirty look while I was cooking the chicken and said “You can’t eat chicken on Good Friday.”
My response “How good can it be if I can’t eat chicken?”
“Good point.”
After dinner, my cousin wanted to show me his blog. We did the you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine. So, at some point he got to reading that post I wrote about ugly boobs. My cousin, of course, decides to read it aloud so that everybody, including my Mother could hear it.
Has anybody actually had to defend usage of the term ‘pizza boobs’ to their mother? Well, now I have had to live through that terrible ordeal.
After dinner, there was a rousing game of Wizard. I won of course. Meanwhile, my Mother was watching some television program with naked ladies. Yeah, where do I come up with all this boobs-on-the-mind stuff for my blog? Where Mom? Where!
Saturday started out with a rousing burst of excitement. Yup, I went to work Saturday morning. Got suckered into that. Was back home by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
Saturday night, I went to see Juice at his place. We did the lazy Saturday night hangout stuff. Ordered pizza, played Scrabble and watched some DVD he bought at the dollar store. Nothing says Easter weekend like The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman.
On Sunday, I called in sick. No, not for work. (Sure, I’m sick of work, but who isn’t?) My Aunt was hosting Easter lunch as usual. I don’t quite know why, but I felt like human garbage.
I stayed home, watched some documentary series on MuchMoreMusic. It was called Heavy and was all about heavy metal. All the same old same old. Clips of Nikki Sixx talking about excess and Bruce Dickinson dressing like heavy metal is the last thing on his mind. He looked like Steve Irwin during the interview clips.
Best part was when everybody was talking about how Rob Halford really started the black leather and studs look for heavy metal. All the people being interviewed had that weird look on their face as they were trying to credit Halford for developing the fashion sense without saying “He got it from the gay scene.” Eventually, Scott Ian of Anthrax broke down and said “So, he’s gay. There’s nothing wrong with that.” But by the look on his face, I’m not sure he agreed with his own statement.
I hope everybody had a great Easter weekend. And for you athiests out there. Jesus died so you could have a three day weekend (in some cases, a four day weekend), so next time you start in on the whole God-is-fake thing, remember how many days off work you get because of Him.
Worked a bit. Did many, so many loads of laundry. I have dozens of socks, yet only two feet.
Whilst checking my emails, I was overwhelmed by the number of emails I receive with promises of penis enlargement. It seems as though I receive more and more each day. When will these spammers realize my dick is big enough. I have never received any complaints about the length, girth or stamina of my wang. I want these emails to stop.
I also starting thinking about what sort of emails women receive. I wonder if women get female versions of spam. Any ladies out there, do you receive spam emails with wild promises of breast enlargement or some sort of vaginal modification? If not, please leave your email in the comments section of this blog. Thank you very much.
I finally saw No Country For Old Men. Will somebody please explain to me why this movie is anything more than okay.
At night, a bunch of people met up at Boston’s apartment. After which we went to a bar called The Unicorn. I know what you’re thinking. Is that some gay bar or all-male dancer strip club? Knowing that this bar was Boston’s choice, I thought it was. But it wasn’t. It was just some generic pub. The service was absolutely horrible. I was standing at the bar, trying to get the attention of one of the bartenders only to see them drinking with a couple of the patrons. Three bartenders, three chances not to turn me into a big tipper. There’s plenty of bars in that part of town, maybe I should go to the Duke of Kent next time. Long story short, looking for a place to drink in Toronto’s Yonge & Eglinton area, fuck The Unicorn.
Sunday
Lazy and relaxing day. I hung out with Juice, listened to some music, drank some orange juice, ate a couple of donuts. Absolutely exciting Sunday.
I woke up this morning full of energy. Too bad it was 2:09AM. Seriously, what the eff! So I walked over to the television and couch and started flipping. TSN was replaying yesterday’s Briar draws. Meh. CNN was playing commercials for ProActiv Solution, meh. The Fox affliate was playing a boring episode of Frasier. A Channel was playing… Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Oh my God Becky, take a look at that vampire’s butt.
So I sat there watching Kristy Swanson and Donald Sutherland beat up some Malibu vampires in between class and cheerleader practice.
Kristy Swanson was in one movie I really liked. It was a pretty shitty movie called The Chase. The movie had a pretty simple premise, Charlie Sheen carjacks Kristy Swanson’s car and takes her as a hostage as he runs from the cops after breaking out of prison. I guess the part of the movie that was most unbelievable and stupid was the part where the two of them screw, in the car, while leading the police chase.
After a couple scenes of Buffy, I switched back to Frasier.
Here are the official results for the contest. First place is Amazing Karnak, second place is Random Chick and third place is Wiwille. They are the best guessers around. I guess…
And I’ve decided to give one of those fake blogger awards. I call this award the WhatIGotSoFar Would Do Me Award (Or the “Wouldee” for short). This award is given to the hottest post of the past seven days.
This week’s winner is Maxie for her post Would You Rather, Week 12 in which she asks readers if they would rather imitate Linda Blair from The Exorcist during sex or speak only in Starbucks order during sex. Congrats Maxie, for writing this week’s hottest post.
Here are the correct answers for the contest. I’ve even included a brief explanation. (In case you actually care.)
Question #1 - Who is my favourite female vocalist?
a) Betty Davis
b) Ann Wilson c) Mavis Staples
d) Tina Turner
All great voices with character and all have some great music. But only one could be my favourite. Mavis Staples is that one. Listen to her on The Last Waltz and tell me that’s not the greatest sound a woman has ever made. You read that right. The greatest sound.
Question #2 - What is my favourite fruit? a) Cherry
b) Banana
c) Grape
d) Honeydew Melon
I prefer cherries. That is all. Not as much as I prefer the artificial cherry flavour that found its way into gum and soda pop, but they are the yummiest of all fruits.
Question #3 - Why is that my favourite fruit?
a) The colour b) The flavour
c) How I think it resembles a sexual organ
d) It makes me seamen sweeter
Anybody who chose option D, what the heck were you thinking? Even if that was true, that a fruit could make my seed taste sweeter (I’ve heard pineapple does that), why would I care? I’m not going to taste my seed. What do you think I am, some contortionist who likes to blow himself? Cherries are the tastiest of all fruits. Pretty simple stuff there folks.
Question #4 - Who did I vote for in the last federal election?
a) The NDP candidate b) The Green Party candidate
c) The Liberal Party candidate
d) I spoiled my ballot
I disliked the Conservative candidate in my riding and the Green guy was a former Reform party candidate. I sure as hell wasn’t voting for the commies in the NDP. In hind sight, I should have voted for the Liberal candidate. He won anyway and he earned it. He’s a good politician and a great man.
Question #5 - What was the single greatest baseball game ever?
a) Mark McGwire breaks Roger Maris’ single season home run record
b) Dennis Martinez throws a perfect game
c) Game six of the 1995 World Series d) Game seven of the 1991 World Series
Even though my favourite baseball team lost that game, seeing a pitcher go ten shutout innings in the seventh game of the World Series was just incredible.
Question #6 - What was the first song I ever slow-danced to?
a) Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard b) Tuesday’s Gone by Lynard Skynyrd
c) Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
d) Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion
I wasn’t going to dance to no Diane Warren crap, that’s fer sure. It was at some birthday party. My buddy B was being nagged by his girlfriend to dance with her. He kept saying “Only if a good song is playing.” Being his good buddy, I dug through the DJs collection until I found something worthwhile. By worthwhile, I mean, you know, some rock ballad. I found the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. My buddy grabbed his gal and I said what the heck and grabbed the birthday girl. And thanks to Woozie for correcting my poor spelling.
Question #7 - Who is my favourite professional wrestler of all time?
a) Hulk Hogan
b) Koko B. Ware
c) Ric Flair d) Bret “The Hitman” Hart
The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.
Question #8 - Why do I not partake in aquatic activities such as swimming, diving, etc.?
a) Allergic to chlorine
b) I have embarassing tan lines c) Near death experience at a water park
d) I don’t want to mess up my hair
I’m never going back to Wild Water Kingdom.
Question #9 - Who is my favourite MadTV cast member?
a) Bryan Callen b) David Herman
c) Artie Lange
d) Orlando Jones
Question #10 - I have one tattoo, what is it?
a) Barbed wire around my bicep b) A cross
c) A woman’s name
d) The Tasmanian Devil
Simple and both Christian and Rock & Roll.
Question #11 - When I sleep, which direction do I prefer to face?
a) Up
b) Down c) Left
d) Right
I don’t know why, it’s just more comfortable that way.
Question #12 - How many piercings do I have? a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 4
God gave me a certain number of holes in my head and I’d like to keep it that way.
Question #13 - What is my favourite Hallowe’en treat? a) Rockets
b) Jack O’Lantern gumballs
c) Potato chips
d) Candy corn
I love ‘em! Sometimes, I crush ‘em and grind ‘em and put them in a glass of soda pop.
Question #14 - What actor do people most frequently say I look like?
a) Robert DeNiro b) Al Pacino
c) Peter Lorre
d) Tony Danza
I don’t see the resemblence. I definetely see it in my father, but not in me. But people have come up to me and said I look like Al Pacino. A former co-worker of mine used to call me Pacino. He’d say “Hey, Pacino. Hey Scarface. How’s it goin’?” He’s dead now. I found out he slept with my sister. So I killed him.
Question #15 - Who did a see throw a can of beer at a cop?
a) Me
b) Bob
c) Juice d) none of the above
I don’t want to embarass the person who did do it. But I did see a guy throw a nearly full can of beer at a cop. It was a tall boy too.
Question #16 - Why did I watch the Weather Network morning show everyday for a year? a) The anchorwoman was hot
b) I worked outside and needed to know how to dress appropriately
c) Allergy/pollen reports
d) They do best reporting on road conditions
One day she wore tight leather pants. Yow-zah! I think she’s on CTV Newsnet now. Always behind a desk though. And she’s aged a bit. Not well.
Question #17 - What time does my alarm clock go off in the morning? a) 5:30AM
b) 5:45AM
c) 6:00AM
d) 6:15AM
Leaves me just enough time to shower and get dressed before Sportscentre.
Question #18 - What is my favourite flavour of tea?
a) Peppermint b) Vanilla Bean
c) Orange Pekoe
d) Ginger
It’s hard to find a good brand, but it’s wonderful stuff if you can find it.
Question #19 - What do I want to have done to my remains after I pass away?
a) Cremation
b) Burial c) Stuffed and have my head mounted like a buck
d) Burial at sea
Who wants it after I go?
Question #20 - When I was a small child, which television program did I never miss?
a) Mr. Dressup
b) Romper Room
c) The Friendly Giant d) The Flintstones
12:00PM, channel 8 in Toronto, the CTV affliate would play it every weekday. I’d get home just before it started from kindergarten and I’d plunk my butt down on the floor and not move for thirty minutes. Yabba dabba doo!
Question #21 - How old was I when I ate my very first hamburger?
a) 5 years old
b) 10 years old
c) 15 years old d) 25 years old
I found beef to be an acquired taste. I actually spent much of my life as a vegetarian. I very rarely ate any meat as a child and a teen. Obviously, expect for the meat flavouring in McDonald’s french fries that most people didn’t know about.
Question #22 - What is the name I use to describe my usual pizza order (toppings include ground beef, grilled chicken and bacon)?
a) The Eliminator
b) The Widowmaker c) The Barnyard Massacre
d) Heartattack In A Layby
One of every farm animal I can find. By the looks of this, the vegetarian phase is definetly over. And I’m possibly trying to make up for lost time.
Question #23 - What was my New Year’s Resolution for 1998?
a) Ten pushups, ten situps and ten chinups everyday
b) Read a book every week
c) Regulary attend church d) Keep my hands off myself (you know what I mean)
Question #24 - How long did I maintain my resolution? a) Into September
b) Into June
c) Into February
d) January 2nd
Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, those pansies. What a bunch of losers! The resolution failed when a buddy of mine brought over a movie called Cheerleader Nurses 2.
Question #25 - What was the first concert I ever attended?
a) Tesla at Kingswood b) Supernova Battle of the Bands at The Gasworks
c) Eye at The Opera House
d) David Bowie at The Air Canada Centre
Juice’s first band was performing. I had to go to show my support.
Question #26 - Who is my favourite stand up comedian
a) Chris Rock b) Dennis Miller
c) Sam Kinison
d) Emo Phillips
[Insert incredibly long and obscure metaphor here.]
Question #27 - What substance did my Brother get me to consume when I was a child?
a) Play-Doh
b) Some small pieces of Lego
c) Yellow snow d) That soapy water solution used to blow bubbles
Amazingly years later, he convinced a friend of mine to do the same. I was 3 or 4 when I drank the stuff. My friend was 20 when he drank the stuff. Yeah, I’ve got some stupid friends.
Question #28 - Who is my favourite Beatle?
a) John
b) Paul c) George
d) Ringo
Almost everybody picks John. I like George. He’s the quiet one.
Question #29 - Who is my favourite wife of a Beatle?
a) Yoko Ono
b) Linda Eastman c) Pattie Boyd
d) Heather Mills
Inspired Layla and had the decency not to get involved with her husband’s music.
Question #30 - Who is my favourite Traveling Wilbury? a) Nelson Wilbury (George Harrison)
b) Lefty Wilbury (Roy Orbison)
c) Charlie T. Jr (Tom Petty)
d) Lucky Wilbury (Bob Dylan)
He sorta started the band.
Question #31 - What is my favourite movie?
a) The Godfather
b) Citizen Kane
c) Scent of a Woman d) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Just a fantastic movie; I can’t say enough great things about it.
Question #32 - At which venue did I see the Rolling Stones perform? a) Air Canada Centre
b) Downsview Park
c) Horseshoe Tavern
d) Palais Royale
Great show, lots of stuff from Let It Bleed.
Question #33 - What is the most exciting thing in basketball?
a) The cheerleaders
b) Kobe Bryant
c) Big sweaty men bumping and grinding in the paint d) Inflatable Raptor
Bob thinks it’s Kobe and that is a good guess, but it’s Inflatable Raptor. He’s just so cute (therefore possibly deadly) and funny.
Question #34 - What is my favourite musical instrument?
a) Gibson Les Paul guitar b) Mellotron
c) Fiddle
d) Dobro
Big, ugly and competely pointless in a modern recording studio. But listen to Heart of the Sunrise and tell me it’s not great.
Question #35 - When did my insomnia start?
a) Last night b) Fall of 1999
c) Spring of 2003
d) Summer of 1996
It’s when I started doing that graveyard shift job.
Question #36 - What is my favourite watering hole? a) The Madison
b) Panorama
c) Intersteer
d) Archibald’s
For some reason, it’s just more fun to get drunk there than anyplace else. I can’t really explain it. It really sucks when you’re not drinking though.
Feel free to review your answers. I have yet to have the answers verified by my assistant, but the results tentatively look like this:
Third Place… Wiwille
Second Place… Random Chick
and First Place… the Amazing Karnak.
Has watching Trinidad Silva throw dogs out the window of his apartment got you down? Here are some words to cheer you up.
If you haven’t realized this by now, watch the movie UHF. It is quite possibly the funniest, wackiest, stupidest thing ever committed to film. With emphasis on the word committed.
Often referred to as the May Two-Four weekend, the upcoming Monday is a holiday in Canada in celebration of Queen Victoria’s birthday. Yes, Queen Victoria passed away more than one hundred years ago, but in Canada, and possibly other Commonwealths, Her Royal Majesty’s birthday is still a holiday. But in Canada, the holiday has evolved into an excuse for people to go to a cottage, drink a two-four (24 bottles of beer) and moon the provincial police from the back of a pickup truck doing 51 kilometres over the speedlimit on the highway. Oh, and fireworks. Apparently the Queen loved fireworks, so every year, Canadians shoot fireworks into the sky.
