I’m bereft of good blogging ideas. In lieu of writing about my pathetic life, I’ve decided to write about the pathetic lives of others. The following is a list of weird people I’ve met through my many misadventures.
E. Money No, I don’t actually know Eddie Money, I’m just using pseudonyms. I used to work with this guy. Good guy to work with, he was the first person to yell at customers. It’s not like he just yelled at customers for no reason, he just doesn’t subscribe to “The customer is always right” rule. I don’t either, he just lacks my patience. That’s not why he’s weird. His lack of patience towards stupid customers at work is one of his most endearing qualities. He’s weird because of this quirk he had. Sometimes when he’d speak, he’d touch his left nipple with his left hand. I’m not talking a poke here, he’d fondle it a bit. This guy would have entire conversations with me and his hand would always be on his chest. That’s weird.
The “You Got Any Movies” Guy Years ago, I worked in a video rental store. One night, Juice can attest to this, he was there, some guy walks in, looks around, looks at me and asks “You got any movies?” Me being the responsible hard working chap that I am, responded “Sure, what kind of movies do you like?” I should have said something like “No,” but darn-it, I’m a good worker. Do I have any movies? It’s a movie store!
Richmond Hill’s Biggest Star Wars Nerd Remember when Phantom Menace was coming to theatres and people thought it wasn’t going to suck? Some people actually got in line at the theatre a couple of days before the release date. A couple buddies of mine from school were some of those people. They were numbers two and three in line. But the guy that was number one, what a weirdo. He was there a good day and half before the next person. And while waiting in line, he painted the movie theatres outdoor handrails, for free. I’m not sure how it started, but the theatre manager let him paint the rails. Not that he did a poor job or anything, but why would he? You gotta figure anybody nerdy enough to sleep outside a movie theatre would have a book (or series of books) to read. Maybe a portable television. Maybe a parent to deliver him fresh snacks or something. Nope, he had nothing better to do, so he painted handrails. Across the parking lot was a bookstore. He easily could have got a book. read it, took care of it for two days, then returned it after getting the movie tickets.
I haven’t been keeping up with updating the Life with Carmine blog. Carmine’s adventures often happen in the summer when he’s out working in the yard, digging ponds and tending to the fish and whatnot. But something happened yesterday that, I think, is worth telling.
Yesterday, I received a phone call from one of Carmine’s neighbours. It seemed that Carmine had left a window open all day and the wind (which was really strong yesterday) had knocked something over, creating a loud bang sound. Carmine’s neighbour was calling around to make sure that Carmine knew his window was open. You never know, could be a burgler or something. Carmine’s neighbour was concerned.
What’s makes this story funny to me was the fact that the neighbour actually said the following: “I can’t see Carmine as the sort of person who would leave a window open all day long while at work.”
Carmine is the sort of person who would leave a window open, doors unlocked, lights on, water running and commit pretty much every sort of absent minded mistake imaginable.
At least once a year, Carmine will refill the pond in his backyard with water. Usually just a topoff if there has been a week or more without any rain. Carmine regularly checks the water level each morning before leaving for work. On average, once a year, Carmine will put the lawn hose in the pond, turn on the faucet, forget the water is on and leave for work. When Carmine’s wife returns home after work, she would often take a look at the backyard (at this point, a rice field) and turn off the water.
I distinctly remember one time, Carmine left town (and the country) for a business trip. Forgetting to turn on the alarm system is no big deal for him. Forgetting to lock the door isn’t a big deal either. He lives in a pretty safe neighbourhood. But he forget to actually close the front door. His wife returned home from work the day he left to find the front door swinging in the wind. How does one forget to close the front door of the house?
So I laughed very, very hard when Carmine’s neighbour said “I can’t see Carmine as the sort of person who would leave a window open all day long while at work.”
In other news, I again, had little sleep last night. Okay, that’s not exactly news, or even new. Instead of watching late night/early morning television, I went abloggin’. I read a blog by a certain Rawbean. A post that made no sense to me what-so-ever. I made some incoherent comment and left the site all-together.
Now, in the light of day, I’ve returned to the site and still the post makes no sense to me. And yesterday, that certain blogger left a comment on my blog that made no sense.
What I’d like, is to have some people read Rawbean’s blog and tell me which of the following is true, because I am really, really confused here. Is Rawbean: a) drunk blogging; b) just gone completely batty; c) pulling some April Fool’s gag where she is trying to make people think she’s batty; or d) operating at a higher plain.
Here are the correct answers for the contest. I’ve even included a brief explanation. (In case you actually care.)
Question #1 - Who is my favourite female vocalist?
a) Betty Davis
b) Ann Wilson c) Mavis Staples
d) Tina Turner
All great voices with character and all have some great music. But only one could be my favourite. Mavis Staples is that one. Listen to her on The Last Waltz and tell me that’s not the greatest sound a woman has ever made. You read that right. The greatest sound.
Question #2 - What is my favourite fruit? a) Cherry
b) Banana
c) Grape
d) Honeydew Melon
I prefer cherries. That is all. Not as much as I prefer the artificial cherry flavour that found its way into gum and soda pop, but they are the yummiest of all fruits.
Question #3 - Why is that my favourite fruit?
a) The colour b) The flavour
c) How I think it resembles a sexual organ
d) It makes me seamen sweeter
Anybody who chose option D, what the heck were you thinking? Even if that was true, that a fruit could make my seed taste sweeter (I’ve heard pineapple does that), why would I care? I’m not going to taste my seed. What do you think I am, some contortionist who likes to blow himself? Cherries are the tastiest of all fruits. Pretty simple stuff there folks.
Question #4 - Who did I vote for in the last federal election?
a) The NDP candidate b) The Green Party candidate
c) The Liberal Party candidate
d) I spoiled my ballot
I disliked the Conservative candidate in my riding and the Green guy was a former Reform party candidate. I sure as hell wasn’t voting for the commies in the NDP. In hind sight, I should have voted for the Liberal candidate. He won anyway and he earned it. He’s a good politician and a great man.
Question #5 - What was the single greatest baseball game ever?
a) Mark McGwire breaks Roger Maris’ single season home run record
b) Dennis Martinez throws a perfect game
c) Game six of the 1995 World Series d) Game seven of the 1991 World Series
Even though my favourite baseball team lost that game, seeing a pitcher go ten shutout innings in the seventh game of the World Series was just incredible.
Question #6 - What was the first song I ever slow-danced to?
a) Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard b) Tuesday’s Gone by Lynard Skynyrd
c) Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
d) Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion
I wasn’t going to dance to no Diane Warren crap, that’s fer sure. It was at some birthday party. My buddy B was being nagged by his girlfriend to dance with her. He kept saying “Only if a good song is playing.” Being his good buddy, I dug through the DJs collection until I found something worthwhile. By worthwhile, I mean, you know, some rock ballad. I found the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. My buddy grabbed his gal and I said what the heck and grabbed the birthday girl. And thanks to Woozie for correcting my poor spelling.
Question #7 - Who is my favourite professional wrestler of all time?
a) Hulk Hogan
b) Koko B. Ware
c) Ric Flair d) Bret “The Hitman” Hart
The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.
Question #8 - Why do I not partake in aquatic activities such as swimming, diving, etc.?
a) Allergic to chlorine
b) I have embarassing tan lines c) Near death experience at a water park
d) I don’t want to mess up my hair
I’m never going back to Wild Water Kingdom.
Question #9 - Who is my favourite MadTV cast member?
a) Bryan Callen b) David Herman
c) Artie Lange
d) Orlando Jones
Question #10 - I have one tattoo, what is it?
a) Barbed wire around my bicep b) A cross
c) A woman’s name
d) The Tasmanian Devil
Simple and both Christian and Rock & Roll.
Question #11 - When I sleep, which direction do I prefer to face?
a) Up
b) Down c) Left
d) Right
I don’t know why, it’s just more comfortable that way.
Question #12 - How many piercings do I have? a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 4
God gave me a certain number of holes in my head and I’d like to keep it that way.
Question #13 - What is my favourite Hallowe’en treat? a) Rockets
b) Jack O’Lantern gumballs
c) Potato chips
d) Candy corn
I love ‘em! Sometimes, I crush ‘em and grind ‘em and put them in a glass of soda pop.
Question #14 - What actor do people most frequently say I look like?
a) Robert DeNiro b) Al Pacino
c) Peter Lorre
d) Tony Danza
I don’t see the resemblence. I definetely see it in my father, but not in me. But people have come up to me and said I look like Al Pacino. A former co-worker of mine used to call me Pacino. He’d say “Hey, Pacino. Hey Scarface. How’s it goin’?” He’s dead now. I found out he slept with my sister. So I killed him.
Question #15 - Who did a see throw a can of beer at a cop?
a) Me
b) Bob
c) Juice d) none of the above
I don’t want to embarass the person who did do it. But I did see a guy throw a nearly full can of beer at a cop. It was a tall boy too.
Question #16 - Why did I watch the Weather Network morning show everyday for a year? a) The anchorwoman was hot
b) I worked outside and needed to know how to dress appropriately
c) Allergy/pollen reports
d) They do best reporting on road conditions
One day she wore tight leather pants. Yow-zah! I think she’s on CTV Newsnet now. Always behind a desk though. And she’s aged a bit. Not well.
Question #17 - What time does my alarm clock go off in the morning? a) 5:30AM
b) 5:45AM
c) 6:00AM
d) 6:15AM
Leaves me just enough time to shower and get dressed before Sportscentre.
Question #18 - What is my favourite flavour of tea?
a) Peppermint b) Vanilla Bean
c) Orange Pekoe
d) Ginger
It’s hard to find a good brand, but it’s wonderful stuff if you can find it.
Question #19 - What do I want to have done to my remains after I pass away?
a) Cremation
b) Burial c) Stuffed and have my head mounted like a buck
d) Burial at sea
Who wants it after I go?
Question #20 - When I was a small child, which television program did I never miss?
a) Mr. Dressup
b) Romper Room
c) The Friendly Giant d) The Flintstones
12:00PM, channel 8 in Toronto, the CTV affliate would play it every weekday. I’d get home just before it started from kindergarten and I’d plunk my butt down on the floor and not move for thirty minutes. Yabba dabba doo!
Question #21 - How old was I when I ate my very first hamburger?
a) 5 years old
b) 10 years old
c) 15 years old d) 25 years old
I found beef to be an acquired taste. I actually spent much of my life as a vegetarian. I very rarely ate any meat as a child and a teen. Obviously, expect for the meat flavouring in McDonald’s french fries that most people didn’t know about.
Question #22 - What is the name I use to describe my usual pizza order (toppings include ground beef, grilled chicken and bacon)?
a) The Eliminator
b) The Widowmaker c) The Barnyard Massacre
d) Heartattack In A Layby
One of every farm animal I can find. By the looks of this, the vegetarian phase is definetly over. And I’m possibly trying to make up for lost time.
Question #23 - What was my New Year’s Resolution for 1998?
a) Ten pushups, ten situps and ten chinups everyday
b) Read a book every week
c) Regulary attend church d) Keep my hands off myself (you know what I mean)
Question #24 - How long did I maintain my resolution? a) Into September
b) Into June
c) Into February
d) January 2nd
Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, those pansies. What a bunch of losers! The resolution failed when a buddy of mine brought over a movie called Cheerleader Nurses 2.
Question #25 - What was the first concert I ever attended?
a) Tesla at Kingswood b) Supernova Battle of the Bands at The Gasworks
c) Eye at The Opera House
d) David Bowie at The Air Canada Centre
Juice’s first band was performing. I had to go to show my support.
Question #26 - Who is my favourite stand up comedian
a) Chris Rock b) Dennis Miller
c) Sam Kinison
d) Emo Phillips
[Insert incredibly long and obscure metaphor here.]
Question #27 - What substance did my Brother get me to consume when I was a child?
a) Play-Doh
b) Some small pieces of Lego
c) Yellow snow d) That soapy water solution used to blow bubbles
Amazingly years later, he convinced a friend of mine to do the same. I was 3 or 4 when I drank the stuff. My friend was 20 when he drank the stuff. Yeah, I’ve got some stupid friends.
Question #28 - Who is my favourite Beatle?
a) John
b) Paul c) George
d) Ringo
Almost everybody picks John. I like George. He’s the quiet one.
Question #29 - Who is my favourite wife of a Beatle?
a) Yoko Ono
b) Linda Eastman c) Pattie Boyd
d) Heather Mills
Inspired Layla and had the decency not to get involved with her husband’s music.
Question #30 - Who is my favourite Traveling Wilbury? a) Nelson Wilbury (George Harrison)
b) Lefty Wilbury (Roy Orbison)
c) Charlie T. Jr (Tom Petty)
d) Lucky Wilbury (Bob Dylan)
He sorta started the band.
Question #31 - What is my favourite movie?
a) The Godfather
b) Citizen Kane
c) Scent of a Woman d) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Just a fantastic movie; I can’t say enough great things about it.
Question #32 - At which venue did I see the Rolling Stones perform? a) Air Canada Centre
b) Downsview Park
c) Horseshoe Tavern
d) Palais Royale
Great show, lots of stuff from Let It Bleed.
Question #33 - What is the most exciting thing in basketball?
a) The cheerleaders
b) Kobe Bryant
c) Big sweaty men bumping and grinding in the paint d) Inflatable Raptor
Bob thinks it’s Kobe and that is a good guess, but it’s Inflatable Raptor. He’s just so cute (therefore possibly deadly) and funny.
Question #34 - What is my favourite musical instrument?
a) Gibson Les Paul guitar b) Mellotron
c) Fiddle
d) Dobro
Big, ugly and competely pointless in a modern recording studio. But listen to Heart of the Sunrise and tell me it’s not great.
Question #35 - When did my insomnia start?
a) Last night b) Fall of 1999
c) Spring of 2003
d) Summer of 1996
It’s when I started doing that graveyard shift job.
Question #36 - What is my favourite watering hole? a) The Madison
b) Panorama
c) Intersteer
d) Archibald’s
For some reason, it’s just more fun to get drunk there than anyplace else. I can’t really explain it. It really sucks when you’re not drinking though.
Feel free to review your answers. I have yet to have the answers verified by my assistant, but the results tentatively look like this:
Third Place… Wiwille
Second Place… Random Chick
and First Place… the Amazing Karnak.
Many times I’ve tried to write about this tale in my life and I’ve never quite been able to get it all down. It was two confusing events that occured almost simultaneously. I am still confused by the events of that day. But today, I finally decided, the heck with it, I’m putting it down for all to see. Maybe by writing about it, I will be able to revisit the events in my mind and understand what the hell had happened.
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Now let us go back to the winter of 2006.
It was a somewhat warmer than normal February morning. It was a Sunday and I didn’t have much to do. I had been in the States on a business trip that weekend, but the trip ended early and I was home by Saturday night. I wasn’t expecting to be home until at least Monday afternoon. The job was easier than I had imagined, much easier and I was glad to be home with that feeling of a job well done.
Being in such a good mood I decided to spend Sunday afternoon out on the town. I borrowed my Mother’s car and ventured down into the city to do a little shopping. That sounds a bit girly, but fret not, I was buying testosterone filled manly CDs and DVDs. Ugh ugh ugh!
On my way down I had this idea. I’m going to get something to eat when I get down there, why not call the one friend I have who actually lives downtown and get her to join me. Eating with someone beats eating alone. (I can and will eat alone at a restaurant, I just really prefer not to.)
I called up Janet and asked her out for lunch. She said sure and we agreed to meet at the Eaton Centre.
When I got there, I noticed I was early. A shopping mall, especially one as big as the Eaton Centre is a great place to kill some time. Everytime I find myself killing time at Eaton Centre, I visit this little shop on the top floor. It is a little chocolate shop called Godiva. I don’t eat chocolate (I’m allergic to it, yeah I know that sucks, I’ve learned to live without it), but I know my Mother loves chocolate. Especially the chocolates from Godiva. I never get my Mother one of those sealed boxes of assorted chocolates. I always pick out a selection of truffles and other chocolatey goodies. (She really loves the chocolate covered ginger which has since been discontinued.) As the nice lady helping me was boxing up my Mother’s chocolates I thought about Janet. I was about to have lunch with Janet. Janet is a woman. Women like chocolate. If she sees me carrying this little giftbag with the Godiva Chocolatier logo and she doesn’t get any chocolate, well, I don’t want her to feel bad. My resolution to this perceived problem, buy her some chocolates too. I spent a minute or so picking out a selection of chocolate truffles that I thought she’d like (all the ones with booze in them).
By the time I finally got all the chocolates boxed and wrapped with a little golden ribbon bow, a mosied over to where I was to meet Janet. She was there and we decided to go to the Pickle Barrel (the restaurant, not the gay bar) for lunch.
As we completed our meal and waited for the bill, I handed her the box of chocolates.
“No,” she said.
“No? Yes,” I replied.
“I can’t take these.”
“Why not? It’s chocolate, it’s all good.”
“I can’t. Take ‘em back. I don’t want a Valentine’s gift.”
“Okay, we’ll call this an early birthday present. Just take the damn chocolates.”
The arguement went on for a couple of minutes. She never did take the chocolates. I never quite understood why.
After lunch we went our seperate ways and I ventured back into my suburban cocoon. I had to go back to my parent’s place. I had borrowed my Mother’s car for the day. When I returned to her house, I noticed my Brother’s car in the driveway. Cool, I got to see my Brother too.
I walk into the house and say hello to my Brother. I take the box of chocolates I bought for my Mother and put it in her chocolate cupboard (yeah, my parents have a cupboard just for chocolates). Janet’s box, I just place that on the kitchen table. My thinking, when my Mother sees the box on the table, she’ll eat a chocolate or two then move the box into the chocolate cupboard. At which point she’ll see the second box of chocolates and it will be a surprise for her.
Upon entering the house, I noticed my Mother talking to a young lady at the end of the hallway.
“Hey, Bro. Who’s Mom talking to?”
“Beats me,” he said. “What’s with all the chocolates?”
I told my Brother the details of my confusing lunch. He offered no detailed explanation, only generic advice, advice I still follow today, “Women are crazy.”
My Mother and the woman walked into the kitchen. My Mother noticed the box of chocolates on the kitchen table.
“What did you do to my car?” she asked in that firm accusatory tone that all mothers employ when suspicious of their children’s actions. Apparently, she thought the chocolates were to butter her up a bit before breaking some bad news in regards to me crashing or smashing her car.
My response in a tone mimicing hers, “Do I need a reason to give my Mother a box of chocolates?”
“No.”
At that point, my Mother, Brother and this woman go to town on this box of chocolates. Stopping only to question “Oooh, what’s that?” “I dunno, I think its a cognac truffle.”
I left the room, when you through a cow into a piranha tank, it’s best not to watch.
After the gorging, I saw my Brother talking to this woman.
I asked my Mother who this person was and her reply “I dunno, she came with your Brother.”
My brother… With a woman… Purposely bringing her to meet Mom and Dad. I had just spent the past couple of days out of the country and I returned to find my world spinning around me. Women refusing chocolates. My Brother with a girlfriend. I had to look outside to make sure the Sun was still setting in the west.
—————
Epilogue
My Mother did find the second box of chocolates later that night. She was upset I bought her so much chocolate. That didn’t stop her from eating it all though.
My Brother took nearly two years to refer to that woman as his girlfriend.
That woman, she is now my Brother’s fiancee.
Janet, a couple of months ago we attended a party together at my Brother’s office. At said party was a chocolate fountain. She took some slices of fruit and dipped them into the flowing chocolate. As she ate the chocolate, she had this look of selfish delight on her face. It was as though she wanted to say “Ha ha! I’m eating chocolate and you’re not.” Seeing that, I stormed out of the room to tell my Brother of what Janet was doing. He returned with me and stated to Janet, “I can’t believe you, of all people, are eating chocolate.”
And what about me, well, I’m still confused; writing all this down did nothing to end the confusion. Of course, I’m happy for my Brother. He found somebody who is willing to put up with him. It is baffling, but amazing. And to this day, I’ve got no reason why Janet wouldn’t take the damn chocolates. She’s had no problems accepting any other gifts from me over the years. Birthdays, Christmas, housewarming, she takes ‘em all. But it’ll be a cold day in hell when I give her another piece of chocolate.
If you don’t remember or have never heard of Dickie Dee, let me explain it to you. Dickie Dee was an ice cream company that sold its products outdoors throughout the summer. But unlike normal ice cream companies (and child molesters), they didn’t use just ice cream trucks. Dickie Dee hired teenagers to ride around town in these pimped out tricycles. The tricycles had these little coolers to keep the products frozen.
I don’t know why I was thinking about this today. I wonder if there’s a support group out there for adults who used to be teens employed by Dickie Dee.
I don’t know if the company still operates. Children, their target market, don’t quite go out and play as much as they used to. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they got sued for breach of some child labour laws.
Here’s a photo I found on the net of some guy in a suit driving a Dickie Dee cart. It looks like he’s working a wedding or something. Can’t you just see it, the bridal party is outside having their photos taken then a Dickie Dee guy comes riding by right into the shot. “Get your popsicles he’e!”
I don’t think, in all my years, I’ve ever had anything from a Dickie Dee cart. When I was a kid and played baseball, there was always a Dickie Dee cart going from diamond to diamond before and after each game. I usually just went to Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins after each game.
You may have noticed the new banner on this blog. Yesterday Juice sent me that banner.
For a while I had been using that Genesis - Duke banner, but that had been getting tiresome. I went back to the Asia Dragon banner and was waiting for the weekend to see Juice and ask him to make me a new banner. Me and Juice though, often of one mind, he already had a new banner ready for me, without me having to ask.
Much like the Duke and Asia banners, this comes straight from a prog rock album cover. Those of you reading this who know the album cover — ah — who am I kidding, other than Dan and Juice, who of those that might read this post will recognize the image of the Schizoid Man.
In the Court of the Crimson King (an observation by King Crimson) is a favourite album of mine. Years ago, my father purchased the LP. I’m not quite sure if he really listened to it. For years, my brother and I would stare at this album and at this guy with the sad eyes screaming. Then one day, we heard the tune In the Court of the Crimson King on the radio. After the song finished playing, we ran to our dad’s record collection and checked to see if that song we heard was the same as the one on this record with the bizarre cover.
When I wore a younger man’s shoes (when I was a kid) I listened to some pretty rocking music. My brother introduced me to Deep Purple and Rush and many other acts that absolutely rocked. As I grew older, I listened to that music a little less. It got to the point where I was going through my iTunes library and I realized I hadn’t ripped a bunch of stuff that had been such a huge part of my life in the early nineties. There was no Deep Purple on my computer. 30 gigabytes of music and yet, no Deep Purple. I walked over to my CD collection, grabbed my Deep Purple best of package and transfered it to my hard drive and iPod.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been listening to a lot of that Deep Purple stuff I listened to when I was a teen. Today, I have much more appreciation for the music. I’ve also expanded my depth of catalog for Deep Purple. I’ve added a bunch of album tracks and I’ve been able to hear many other aspects to their sound. I am being blown away by Deep Purple’s performances on songs like Burn and Space Truckin’ and Bloodsucker and Child in Time.
Today’s discussions of hard rock British bands of the seventies usually starts and stops on two bands: Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. Taking nothing away from those two bands, it goes without saying that they are immeasurably great. But my generation has been referring to Deep Purple as “They’re the band that did Smoke on the Water, right?” For some reason, one that I can’t quite understand, Deep Purple has not translated well for the current generation. Maybe my generation has simply not heard DP.
When I worked at the record store, the only people who ever asked about Deep Purple records were older guys. No young people ever came in to pick up a copy of Machine Head. They sure bought a bunch of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath discs, but no Deep Purple.
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Sometimes I wonder, what bands and artists today will be the legends we won’t just remember tomorrow, but our children and our children’s children will still be listening to and respecting? Acts including The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix are still being listened to by the younger generations even though there no longer is any music from those acts today to speak of. Who from today will really be remembered in the same vein as The Beatles? Is Radiohead really the heir apparent? Does Coldplay’s catalog have the ability to age well? Will the White Stripes ever be more than a gimmick? Do any hip hop acts really have any sort of staying power? Is Tupac the next Jimi?
