Feel like writing but I’ve got nothing to say…

I returned the blogroll on my sidebar to my stupid made-up titles instead of the blog’s actual title. I was bored yesterday. Slow day at work, took a long break and it was raining. I didn’t want to go for a walk in the rain.

Today, I really feel like writing something good, something inspiring. Screw that. I wanna write something funny or at least interesting enough that would make me want to read it. But today, I got nothing.

In the past couple of days, I’ve burned through some posts I’ve had sitting in my drafts pile. It’s funny how creativity comes and goes. Some days, I can write two posts (at least one of them worth reading) while other days I can’t string together two sentences.

So, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna impart some wisdom. Look at it this way. I must have learned something in my years on this world. Maybe somebody can learn some of these things from me. I’m sure many people know these things already, but if I can help one person, then I’ve done a good thing.

• Hard liquor that goes down smooth is a bad thing. It tricks you into drinking too much of it. You have to figure, the more it stings and burns and scrapes at your throat, the less you are going to drink. If you are drinking whiskey and it slides down your throat like water, well, you are going to have another shot, and another, and another and so on until you don’t remember how you got home. Lesson learned: never drink smooth whiskey.
• If you want to get some respect from your bank, which I find is pretty rare. You would think a company that makes money by holding my money would be really nice to me and call me ’sir’ and stuff like that. But they generally don’t until I walked into the bank, went upto a teller and said “I would like to withdraw $2000.” All of a sudden, I’m a sir. All of a sudden, the teller pronounces my last name correctly. And nobody pronounces my last name correctly. Lesson learned: money equals respect.

This is pathetic. Twenty something years on this planet and all I can come up with is two things that I’ve learned. That is sad, so very sad.

Oh, and the light does go off when you close the refridgerator. Freezer too. Same goes for many wine coolers. Garage doors are the opposite though. When you close a garage door, the light turns on.

If you haven’t figured it out yet. I have had insomnia all week. And right now, I pretty much feel like I’ve been awake for twenty plus hours straight. I’m a bit light-headed and the clock on the wall is starting to look ever so slightly maliable at room temperature. It hasn’t melted yet. But it’s getting there.

Relationships - Explained through Video

I’ve shared plenty of my own ideas and opinions on relationships, but now its time I exposed you to some other ideas, some other perspectives.

I was also pretty bored and saw some funny stuff on YouTube.

Recommended Listening: Teenage Dream by T.Rex.

The Five Most Important Answers, EVER

The key to the questions from the previous post is not so much the answer. The key is how the question is answered and what it all means. The five questions are a bit like a quiz in one of those girlie magazines*. Here is how I decipher the answers into something more meaningful.

Question 1

If the answer is Paul then the person is a sponge who just laps up whatever they’re given without thinking too much about it. Answers of George or John mean that person either has a thing for guitarists (really, who doesn’t?) or the person appreciates good music. Should the be answer be Ringo then the person is not a music fan at all and Ringo was the first name that came to mind. If the answer is “Who are the Beatles?” or something like that but said without sarcasm, walk away, that person is hopeless and not worth your time.

Question 2

I think its good to know this kind of thing. It can also help you figure out how anal the person is. When the answer comes across as a difficult Starbucks order, well, that person has a pretty big rod up their ass. Milk, sugar, sweetener, its all pretty much the same. If you yourself are an anal prick, then you’d want your partner to answer with a “double venti half calf soy frappa latte with 1 and half sweeteners.”

Question 3

The key to this question is whether or not the person mentions a TV in their answer. If you prefer the better view of the TV, and your partner does too, well, I see some nocturnal conflicts on the horizon.

Question 4

I really like this question because its just so off the wall and yet there are so very few answers. Basically, the answer to watch for is “Huh?” That answer means the person is likely to need a ride when they’re stuck in a ditch somewhere after hitting a bad patch of black ice. Frankly, I don’t want to have to worry about my partner if the driving conditions are poor.

Question 5

Dog people and non-dog people don’t mix. Its one thing to have a pet. Having a dog doesn’t necessarily make you a dog person. But dressing up the dog for reasons other than the dog’s own health and well-being are acts of a dog person. Only fellow dog people understand why one would dress up their dogs. There are some rare exceptions when its okay to dress up your dog. If you want to dress up your dog in order to act out that scene from the Grinch, that’s cool because its really funny.

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Obviously, these are not the only answers that can be given, but this is a good start to help you and your partner have a good start. After all, I want to help. A wiseman once wrote “WIGSF, bringing you sound relationship adivce.” That’s my goal.

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* Cosmo is a girlie magazine. Playboy is a girly magazine.

The Five Most Important Questions, EVER!

There comes a time when you meet a person and you need to know all the truly important things about them. I’m not just talking about last call here folks. So I have prepared the five questions that need to be answered in order to learn everything you need to know about a potential partner.

1. Who is your favourite Beatle?
2. How do you take your coffee or tea?
3. Which side of the bed do you prefer?
4. Seasonal tires or all weather?
5. Dogs in people’s clothing, yay or nay?

Without knowing the answers to these questions, I believe the relationship is doomed for failure. And learning these answers is the first thing one should do while in a relationship. I think this stuff is more important than learning your partner’s name.

Why Did She Do That?

This post originated as a comment I left on Angel’s blog. (Angel, if you’re reading this, thank you, that was a great post. Keep it up.) I had also been tooling around on a 3rd Edition of my guide to women The Ladies: A Man’s Perspective. Instead, I shall be offering up a sequel to the guide.

Why Did She Do That?

Often a woman will do something that men just don’t understand. With this guide I will try to break down the myths about feminine behaviour and provide the world with what it really needs, the ANSWER TO THE QUESTION!

The Purse

When a woman leaves the room temporarily without her purse she will say watch my purse. She says that for two reasons. Reason one, to get you (the man) to notice the purse; and reason two, to control you.

Men don’t notice purses. Its not in our genetic makeup. To us, its just a bag, just something to store and easily carry around other smaller things. But not women; to a woman, a purse is an extension of her body. And being part of her body, she has to show it off. She also has to feel like it was worth the six hundred bucks she paid for the damn thing.

Secondly, the woman has to control her man. She knows that if she leaves the purse next to her man without saying anything about the purse, the purse will be safe. If some crazy person walks by and tries to snatch it, the man will stop the pursesnatcher. The woman knows this, but she has to enforce it upon the man. She wants the man to do it without thinking of it on his own. This diminishes the man’s brain activity and puts him into a worm-like state of living without thinking.

Men, notice how the tells you to watch the purse. The woman never asks will you or could you, she just says those three little words watch my purse.

And one more thing about the purse, if she was really concerned about it, she’d take it with her.

The Ladies’ Room

So, the women have left, temporarily, leaving the men to guard their purses, but where did they go. They went to the ladies’ room. But, what are they doing in that room. If they were just puffing their noses or some other makeup thing, they’d have taken their purses. You see, the purse is where the woman stores her makeup. So its safe to assume, they’re not putting makeup on each other. What else could a bunch of women do in the washroom? Well, obviously they could just be using the facilities. But why go in packs. They’re not going to play Battleshit* that’s for damn sure. Women go to the washroom in packs to talk privately about the guys they are with.

Topics of discussion in the washroom are often comparisons of who has the more pathetic boyfriend. Patheticness is judged by criteria such as but not exclusive to sexual performance and grooming.

Now some may ask, how do I know what goes on in a women’s washroom? I don’t spy, I don’t stalk, I do nothing underhanded or shady; I just make use of every opportunity to learn and grow, should an opportunity present itself. And I shall answer no further questions regarding my research techniques.

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A side note about purses, specifically those hoidy-toidy high-priced Prada bags. I’ve done a little bit of research on those bags. They balance well, much better than a generic bag that looks similar. Their downside appears to be a rather small opening and little interior space. And they cost a lot, a LOT. So when your girlfriend or wife asks you to buy her a Prada bag, ask her why. If she can come with a reason that makes a bit of sense in terms of maintaining her equiliberium and she doesn’t need to carry a lot of junk, you may want to consider buying her one. Of course, if you’re not made of money, well, she’s not dating you, so it wouldn’t even be an issue.

* A disgusting little game where two or more competitors try to out-shit each other. I’ve never played the game, but I imagine there are no winners, only losers.

Recommended Listening: Rabbit Fighter by T. Rex.

The Ladies: A Man’s Perspective - 2nd Edition

Introduction

Much of this is from an old post. But I thought, with St. Valentine’s Day approaching, I should publish a 2nd Edition. I have added a whole section on feet. Men, you need your feet. Why? To run away from women. So, without further adieu…

The Ladies: A Man’s Perspective

As a man who’s seen a lot, I feel it is important to share my wisdom and experience with anybody who would like to listen. I am not saying that I know everything, if I did, I would have written a series of books by now and would be a millionaire. I’d still be single, but I’d be rich. The following is a guide to women written by yours truly.

Hooking Up Is Binary

It is possible to hook-up. Guys, don’t get discouraged when you get shot down. Keep trying, but not with the same woman. Women only hook-up when they want to and with whom they want to. Don’t try too hard, their first impression is always right because they make snap decisions upon first meeting you and will hold you to that decision for the rest of your life. When a woman meets a guy she immediately lumps the guy into one of two groups: date-able and not date-able. No man knows what criteria women use to make these decisions but I do know that this is true. The third “maybe” group is a myth women have created just to mess with guys.

Messing With Our Mind

Messing with guys is the next part of the guide. Women like to mess with guy’s heads. I’m not sure why. I figure its so they can get together with their girlfriends and laugh at our idiocy. But, its not that we are idiots. Okay, some of us are idiots. But women treat us all as idiots because they lie to us. They intentionally do and say things that are false just to catch us being idiotic by believing them.

Its Not A Lie If You Believe It

Much of male/female interaction is the ladies lying to men. They want us to suffer just for liking them. That is the most baffling part. They know we like them. But instead of saying “I don’t like you,” or “Yes, I do like you,” they force us to work for it even though they have already made up their mind. So if you are a “date-able” why continue to work for it. She wants you, she just won’t let you know that. That would be too obvious. That would make too much sense. Some might say this is to get free stuff (like free drinks at a bar). I disagree. Women can and will initiate contact with guys. They will open the lines of communication, both verbal and physical. This is just to mess with us. They know what the guy will say and what the guy will do. But they lead him on anyway. Some women will do this for the free drinks, don’t get me wrong here. There are some that are just thirsty and cheap; but just because a woman doesn’t ask you to buy her a drink doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try to lead you on. You see, women are teases. It is an instinctual thing like cats burying their waste. Nature at its most natural.

She Likes You, She Really Does

Now, lets say the woman likes you (rare but it does happen). If you have any strength left from jumping through all the hoops she’s set up for you, let her dictate the pace of the relationship. No matter what you do, she will dictate it so why swim against the current, right. This is the part of the mating dance in which I am always lost and why, because I swim against the current. I am a man and I have to be in control. I am the master of my destiny. This is also why I’m single. If you want the relationship to work out, you might as well cut off your own balls and save her the trouble. And besides, it’ll give her an interesting story to tell her girlfriends when they congregate to laugh at their boyfriends and husbands.

Dancing

Dancing; dancing exists just to make us look silly in a room full of people. That’s why they want us to dance. Part of the whole “messing with us” thing. Men are not created to be graceful. You show me a graceful man and I’ll show you a woman in disguise. A spy to infiltrate our ranks just so they can always stay one step ahead of us; so as to control us.

The (Un)holy Union

Marriage you say, marriage is just another hoop. Ever wonder why the symbol of marriage is a ring, a tiny hoop with which you wear on your hand and are not supposed to remove. You will get married, when and if she wants to marry you.

Individuality

Trying you keep your individuality is a lost cause whilst in a relationship. Not sure, go shopping with a woman and then tell me you can have both individuality and a girlfriend. No matter what you pick out, they won’t like it because you picked it out. Women will try to change the way you look. I believe this is an effort to put a brand on their man, much like a farmer does with livestock.

Death By Feet

Shoes are a great example of how women destroy their man. First, we as men, must stand around while the women try on pair after pair after pair of shoes. Eventually, the woman decides on a pair of shoes, usually, the most expensive and the man has to pay. Second, the woman now needs a purse to go with these shoes. Yes the woman has 25 purses at home, but somehow, none of them match these shoes and more importantly, the shoes she didn’t want would have matched at least 1 purse she already owns. A week passes. A brave (or stupid) man will ask his girlfriend/wife: “Honey, why don’t you wear your new shoes?” Her answer: “They’re too uncomfortable.”

Eventually, the woman will tell the man what shoes to wear. At that very moment, men, it is less painful to just chop off your own feet with a hacksaw. You have just lost control of your feet. You will spend an entire day standing around a shoe store, trying on shoes that are: a) ugly; b) uncomfortable; and c) not named after a basketball player. These new shoes will replace your Air Jordans. Say goodbye to MJ, he’s gone. Say hello to, well, I can’t pronounce that name, what is that, Czechoslovakian or something. Nike, RBK, Adidas, Puma. This is what we know. Simple laced running shoes. Women hate those shoes because we like them. There is no other reason. We like, they hate. That’s the rule. No exceptions.

Conclusion

Everything and anything in this document will be rebuked by women. This is part of their messing with our heads and lying to us scheme. Face it guys, they rule the world and have tricked us into doing all the actual work.

The most important thing to know when trying to meet and date women: DON’T BE ME! Women don’t like me. They have held a meeting* and have decided that I am not to breed. My social success is their worst nightmare.

* I am convinced a very large group of women got together and held a meeting for the sole purpose of discussing me and whether or not I am breeding stock. I understand it sounds a bit like a conspiracy theory. Well, by definition, it is a theory involving a conspiracy, so I don’t argue that. But I shall say this: disprove it; prove me wrong… That’s right, I didn’t think so.

Recommend Listening: Love Stinks by The J. Geils Band

Hallowe’en 2006: The Ghoul’s Guide

Hallowe’en is quickly approaching so I have prepared a guide to help you have a fun and safe Hallowe’en.

Costumes

You have to wear a costume, regardless of if you are going door-to-door. Hallowe’en is the one day you can dress like a freak and get away with it. But with so many generic costumes around, how do you stand apart from all the other idiots in pirate costumes? Take two or more costumes and combine them together. My favourite was to take a Santa Claus costume and a monster mask to create the Santa from hell costume. The red from the Santa costume also provided a bright colour that could be seen in the dark. It also allowed from a layered under clothing and a hat to provide a lot of warmth. You could try taking that tired pirate costume and combine it with some hockey equipment to create the costume of a hockey play-aargh. Make your costume easy to modify for later Hallowe’ens and for quickchanging during Hallowe’en. A second mask and a reversable jacket is a great way to do this.

Giving Out Candy

If you have to be the one who stays home and gives out the candy you will get stuck paying a lot of money for lousy candy. But to stretch that candy and make it last follow this little checklist.

• Give out candy that you won’t eat. This disables snacking between visits.
• One piece per child. They haven’t done anything to deserve a second candy corn or moldy piece of taffy.
• Turn off the lights at the front of the house. Most children will then skip by your house thinking that nobody is home.

Should you run out of candy, just stop answering the door. If it helps and is easy to do, disconnect your doorbell. This way the noise won’t bother you while you’re watching television or reading a book or whatever you do to relax.

At The Workplace

First thing you do at work is you have to answer your phone with a shrill scream. Any phone conversation must be hung up abruptly during a conversation. It will scare the person you were talking to just a little bit. Second thing, when nobody is looking, egg your boss’ office door or your boss’ car. Egg something that belongs to your boss. Even if you like your boss.

Egging

Don’t egg windows or front doors to homes. That’s been done to death. Stand behind bushes or trees or other poorly lit areas and wait for the door of the house to open and try to get the egg through the open door. For you kids who have to buy the eggs, here’s how you do it to avoid suspiscion from local shopkeepers. Start today, buy a dozen today. Store them somewhere safe and warm. Lets the eggs go rotten just a little bit. Tomorrow, do the same but at a different local shoppe. Again, not raising suspiscion, buy eggs in small quantities each day until October 30th. While egging, fire one or two shots at your own home in order to remove yourself from possible suspiscion.

Going Door-To-Door

If you’ve reached puberty, you’re too old to go door-to-door. Otherwise, have fun and get out as soon as the Sun has completely set. If you get out early enough, you may be able to do the neighbourhood twice. This may require a second costume or a costume that can be modified into another easily. Get the good candy before anyone else. If you get driven to a different neighbourhood than your own, pick a neighbourhood that is relatively new, homes should be about five to ten years old. This way the homes will be populated with young families who are going to be very involved in Hallowe’en for their young children. Also, once their children get back from going door-to-door, the parents will take the candy the children can’t eat and give that out when they run out of candy. This is a great way to get candy that contains nuts.

Again, have a fun and safe Hallowe’en and stay the hell away from my house. The last thing I want is to be bothered on a Tuesday night.