Insomnia Blogging: Racial Tensions

This morning, insomnia reared its ugly head yet again. My usual nocturnal television watching habits therefore returned as well.

CNN was focusing its efforts on the goings on in Detroit. You see, the mayor of Detroit is being brought up on charges of lying under oath in regards to having had an affair with his chief of staff. (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: if our elected officials can’t get a little pussy on the side, what hope is there for the rest of us?) It seemed to me that everybody on the Lou Dobbs show last night was black. All the key figures in the story (the mayor and his chief of staff) were black. All the guests and so-called experts brought in to discuss this story were black. It just seemed a bit odd to me. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Or maybe CNN wants only black people talking about news stories involving black people.

Eventually I grew bored of the news and watched King of the Hill instead. In this episode, Hank was being courted to join a country club that caters to Asian Americans. The club needed him to join in order to appease the PGA and show that the club has white members.

Why do we still judge people based on the colour of their skin? It’s so much easier to judge people by their political affiliations. Oh, what’s that you say? You’re a Liberal. Well fuck you Libby! We don’t want you kind ’round here! Why don’t you go home and smoke a doobie with Maggie Trudeau and Keith Richards. You make me sick.

In completely unrelated news, remember that contest in which my friend Columbia put up $500 as an incentive to get Bob to go out and get laid. Well, the Wonder Twins look to be adding some incentive on top of that.

Recently, Bob has let it be known that he wants to cocoon himself in his home and play video games online. He’s just missing the XBox he would need to play the games. It looks like the Wonder Twins are going to offer up an XBox to Bob as a reward if he can pick up a woman.

Speaking of gaming, I’ve been playing a bit lately too. A game called Rainbow Six Vegas. I’m a picky guy when it comes to video games. I like a first person shooter that’s not so realistic. But this game is slowly growing on me. Or maybe I just like running around shooting Mexicans.

Walking Down the Red Carpet

In the past week, I’ve been awarded two blogging awards. (Yippee for me.) You can view my award page here.

I guess, if I’ve won some awards, I’ll need a speech. Here we go…

Wow, I really wasn’t expecting to win anything. I don’t even have a speech prepared. Well, first off, I’d like to thank my family for always believing in me, my agent for always pushing open doors for me. Oh, and Jesus Christ. I love you man.

That’s really all I’ve got so far. Okay, one more thing.

You like me! You really, really like me!

Sorry, but I had to do that.

The spirit of these awards has spread through me like a bad cold and pretty soon, I may start giving out awards too.

Weekend Precap

This weekend, I know I have to work a bit. But that’s okay. It’s just a quick meeting with a client who is not a jackass and then the rest of the weekend is mine. So Friday night, I’m going to stay in, make some hamburgers. I’ve had this odd craving for burgers the last couple of days.

Bob and I have plans to go adrinkin’ with Boston on Saturday night. The dilemma I face is this: sometimes I just don’t feel like drinking. Last Friday, I felt like drinking but I didn’t get to. The next night, I felt like I had obligated myself to drink although I was no longer in the mood. Maybe, this Saturday, I’ll be in the mood.

Hey baby, it’s a quarter to eight,
I feel I’m in the mood.

I’m sorry, I promise that’s the last time I quote Rush lyrics.

On Sunday, I would like to clean my bedroom a bit. A couple days ago I dropped a glove and kicked it underneath my bed. When I bent down to pick it up, I swear, there was some resistance to me picking up this glove. Not much resistance, but just enough to make me think I’m not living alone in that room. And it couldn’t have been the cat, he was outside.

As for today, it’s leap day. Honestly, I didn’t realize this day had a name until the last time February 29th rolled around. I’m a bit pissed that this extra day comes in February. February is the hardest month to spell. Why couldn’t we just have an extra day in May. May is much easier to spell. May is a word I actually use. “May I? Yes you may.” See how easy that is. May is also a person’s name. Only a weirdo would name their child February.

Other weird words I hope I never see being used as names:

• Fork
• Evasion
• Drying
• Recycle
• Vince
• W00t
• Orange
• Changepurse

I have never seen this words used as names. If you’re reading this and don’t want me to call you a weirdo, don’t name your children any of these words.

Permission Form to Date my Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME:

DATE OF BIRTH:

HEIGHT: WEIGHT: IQ: GPA:

SIN # DRIVERS LICENSE #

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES:
HOME ADDRESS:
CITY/PROVINCE:
POSTAL CODE:

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married:

If less than your age, explain:

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __N0

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend:

How often you attend:

When would be the best time to interview your:

father?

mother?

pastor?

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C: A woman’s place is in the:

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Mother’s Signature

Father’s Signature

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi

State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating (below).

Parents’ Rules for Dating
Your parents’ rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peek at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry..

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Kuwait. When the nerve agents effects starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Sincerely - Mom & Dad

I found this on Charles Adler’s Blog. The originating blog can be found here.

Trip to Russia

Don’t ask me how I found this. Its not really important. But I did see this thing and I thought it was kind of funny.

From maps.google.com, I entered vagina into the search field and pressed enter. What the search returned was some place in Russia.

View Larger Map

What can I say? Its a slow blogging day and well, I thought I might do some vacation planning.

Another Movie List

I’m feeling girlie today. I suggest you get your girl on too. Grab a bowl of light butter popcorn, pop open a box of wine, hunker down on the sofa, put on that old sweater that belonged to your ex and watch one of these delightful movies…

WIGSF’s Top 10 Chick Flicks

10. Notting Hill - Sure, Julia Roberts looks like a horse, but she comes across rather well as a super celebrity actress. Wonder why?

9. Working Girl - Hard work and a tough spirit can overcome anything, even Alec Baldwin’s rainforest of chest hair.

8. I Love You To Death - Why won’t Kevin Kline die? Sure you love him, but when the hurt is that much, he has to go.

7. Picture Perfect - Jennifer Aniston picking Jay Mohr over Kevin Bacon. Yuch, Jay Mohr! Still, a fun movie.

6. As Good As It Gets - Receptionist: How do you write women so well? Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

5. The Truth About Cats & Dogs - Odd looking Englishman picks Janeane Garofalo over Uma Thurman. Personally, I’ve never liked Uma. Too thin. Good for Janeane, its about time she gets the guy.

4. Clueless - OH, MY, GOD! Nobody gets the high school experience like Amy Heckerling.

3. Three to Tango - A romantic comedy with Matthew Perry (before he got fat), Neve Campbell and lots of glass-blowing.

2. IQ - A very funny and very sweet romantic comedy set in the midst of the Cold War. Meg Ryan before she got all plastic and botoxed. And Walter Matthau as Albert Einstein is brilliant.

1. The Princess Bride - You’ve seen the movie, you know why its great. If you haven’t seen the movie, what are you waiting for?

Cloverfield???

So there’s this movie coming out soon called Cloverfield. Yadda yadda yadda. If you’ve heard of it you know what I’m talking about, if you haven’t heard of it, you won’t care what I think about it.

Dan wrote a good post on his blog, Sleep Dirt, about this upcoming movie and I thought I hit the nail on the head with the comment I had left on his blog.

Due to the fact that I would really like to waste some time blogging but don’t really have much of anything to say, I thought I would steal some of my own ideas from yesterday.

Top Ten Things That Monster Could Be

10. Dick Cheney in an Elmer Fudd hat saying”Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting Democwats.”

9. Dave Chappelle reeking of volcano lovin’.

8. Jet Jaguar (for Juice)

7. Hitler

6. Mr. Stay Puft

5. 50 ft. Woman riding the crimson tide.

4. King sized bejewelled solid gold Homer Simpson.

3. A polar bear.

2. Giant George W. Bush!

1. Screen goes blank right before you see the monster and then the credits role while a Journey song plays (thanks Dan). I’m thinking Wheel in the Sky.