I had a hard time sleeping last night. Eventually, as I lay on the couch watching King of the Hill, I dozed off into a dream. The dream, I remember things from it.
The premise, I was heading downtown to meet someone I had gone to grade school with, but hadn’t seen since. I don’t know why I was meeting her or how we reconnected. I’m not even sure if I remember her name. But for whatever reason, I was meeting her late one night in downtown Toronto.
I distinctly remember using a public restroom to style my hair. Although I didn’t like the way my hair was turning out, I left it as is because she burst through the door to the mensroom and said “Come on, let’s go.” Before going to the mensroom, I remember her wearing a jacket. After though, she was wearing a nice green dress. Something that really showed off her bah-sooms.
I remember me and her discussing where each of us were living. She said she was in Brampton, near the town centre, in a crappy apartment. I made some comment about how Brampton has a Dennys.
That’s when I woke up.
Something else I noticed last night. I was watching the DVDs I have of The Critic, the short-lived animated series about a fat, bald movie critic. I perused through the special features to find a series of animated shorts created for the internet. I’ve had this DVD set for years and I’ve never noticed these “webisodes” before. Awesome, new (to me) content!
I haven’t been keeping up with updating the Life with Carmine blog. Carmine’s adventures often happen in the summer when he’s out working in the yard, digging ponds and tending to the fish and whatnot. But something happened yesterday that, I think, is worth telling.
Yesterday, I received a phone call from one of Carmine’s neighbours. It seemed that Carmine had left a window open all day and the wind (which was really strong yesterday) had knocked something over, creating a loud bang sound. Carmine’s neighbour was calling around to make sure that Carmine knew his window was open. You never know, could be a burgler or something. Carmine’s neighbour was concerned.
What’s makes this story funny to me was the fact that the neighbour actually said the following: “I can’t see Carmine as the sort of person who would leave a window open all day long while at work.”
Carmine is the sort of person who would leave a window open, doors unlocked, lights on, water running and commit pretty much every sort of absent minded mistake imaginable.
At least once a year, Carmine will refill the pond in his backyard with water. Usually just a topoff if there has been a week or more without any rain. Carmine regularly checks the water level each morning before leaving for work. On average, once a year, Carmine will put the lawn hose in the pond, turn on the faucet, forget the water is on and leave for work. When Carmine’s wife returns home after work, she would often take a look at the backyard (at this point, a rice field) and turn off the water.
I distinctly remember one time, Carmine left town (and the country) for a business trip. Forgetting to turn on the alarm system is no big deal for him. Forgetting to lock the door isn’t a big deal either. He lives in a pretty safe neighbourhood. But he forget to actually close the front door. His wife returned home from work the day he left to find the front door swinging in the wind. How does one forget to close the front door of the house?
So I laughed very, very hard when Carmine’s neighbour said “I can’t see Carmine as the sort of person who would leave a window open all day long while at work.”
In other news, I again, had little sleep last night. Okay, that’s not exactly news, or even new. Instead of watching late night/early morning television, I went abloggin’. I read a blog by a certain Rawbean. A post that made no sense to me what-so-ever. I made some incoherent comment and left the site all-together.
Now, in the light of day, I’ve returned to the site and still the post makes no sense to me. And yesterday, that certain blogger left a comment on my blog that made no sense.
What I’d like, is to have some people read Rawbean’s blog and tell me which of the following is true, because I am really, really confused here. Is Rawbean: a) drunk blogging; b) just gone completely batty; c) pulling some April Fool’s gag where she is trying to make people think she’s batty; or d) operating at a higher plain.
I was awake for a bit this morning. I did manage to get back to sleep eventually. But in my sleep, I had dreams. Weird dreams. Dreams that made Charlemagne seem normal.
Remembering dreams is always harder than it seems, but here’s the key points:
Working at Walmart sucks, especially when you aren’t allowed to leave the store and must sleep there. To make matters worse, somebody was sleeping in my bed.
Why would somebody drive four hours everyday just to work at Walmart. You gotta figure, in a four hour drive in any direction, there should be a closer Walmart location.
Having dreams of having insomnia is just as bad as insomnia.
Why would anybody learn to speak Italian if they’re not actually Italian?
This Walmart has a pretty low ceiling.
That’s right folks. I dreampt about working at Walmart. Absurd surrealism or chilling vision of the future…
Feel free to interpret this dream anyway you’d like.
This does suck quite a bit. I don’t sleep very much, and when I do, I have weird dreams. Why can’t I have normal dreams? Simple dreams. Dreams about having sex with hot chicks. No, I gotta have dreams about finding people sleeping in my bed, at Walmart, thus causing my dream me from not getting any sleep.
Another blog post has come my way that is hot. Totally hot. Award hot. This award for hotness goes to Grace of There’s a Land That I See for her post My Man is Back.
This WhatIGotSoFar Would Do Me Award is well deserved. How often is somebody willing to call a grown man “My poor baby.” Especially a man with his two front teeth knocked out. Getting the oogily-googilies for a guy with no teeth is hot.
This morning, insomnia reared its ugly head yet again. My usual nocturnal television watching habits therefore returned as well.
CNN was focusing its efforts on the goings on in Detroit. You see, the mayor of Detroit is being brought up on charges of lying under oath in regards to having had an affair with his chief of staff. (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: if our elected officials can’t get a little pussy on the side, what hope is there for the rest of us?) It seemed to me that everybody on the Lou Dobbs show last night was black. All the key figures in the story (the mayor and his chief of staff) were black. All the guests and so-called experts brought in to discuss this story were black. It just seemed a bit odd to me. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Or maybe CNN wants only black people talking about news stories involving black people.
Eventually I grew bored of the news and watched King of the Hill instead. In this episode, Hank was being courted to join a country club that caters to Asian Americans. The club needed him to join in order to appease the PGA and show that the club has white members.
Why do we still judge people based on the colour of their skin? It’s so much easier to judge people by their political affiliations. Oh, what’s that you say? You’re a Liberal. Well fuck you Libby! We don’t want you kind ’round here! Why don’t you go home and smoke a doobie with Maggie Trudeau and Keith Richards. You make me sick.
In completely unrelated news, remember that contest in which my friend Columbia put up $500 as an incentive to get Bob to go out and get laid. Well, the Wonder Twins look to be adding some incentive on top of that.
Recently, Bob has let it be known that he wants to cocoon himself in his home and play video games online. He’s just missing the XBox he would need to play the games. It looks like the Wonder Twins are going to offer up an XBox to Bob as a reward if he can pick up a woman.
Speaking of gaming, I’ve been playing a bit lately too. A game called Rainbow Six Vegas. I’m a picky guy when it comes to video games. I like a first person shooter that’s not so realistic. But this game is slowly growing on me. Or maybe I just like running around shooting Mexicans.
I returned the blogroll on my sidebar to my stupid made-up titles instead of the blog’s actual title. I was bored yesterday. Slow day at work, took a long break and it was raining. I didn’t want to go for a walk in the rain.
Today, I really feel like writing something good, something inspiring. Screw that. I wanna write something funny or at least interesting enough that would make me want to read it. But today, I got nothing.
In the past couple of days, I’ve burned through some posts I’ve had sitting in my drafts pile. It’s funny how creativity comes and goes. Some days, I can write two posts (at least one of them worth reading) while other days I can’t string together two sentences.
So, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna impart some wisdom. Look at it this way. I must have learned something in my years on this world. Maybe somebody can learn some of these things from me. I’m sure many people know these things already, but if I can help one person, then I’ve done a good thing.
Hard liquor that goes down smooth is a bad thing. It tricks you into drinking too much of it. You have to figure, the more it stings and burns and scrapes at your throat, the less you are going to drink. If you are drinking whiskey and it slides down your throat like water, well, you are going to have another shot, and another, and another and so on until you don’t remember how you got home. Lesson learned: never drink smooth whiskey.
If you want to get some respect from your bank, which I find is pretty rare. You would think a company that makes money by holding my money would be really nice to me and call me ’sir’ and stuff like that. But they generally don’t until I walked into the bank, went upto a teller and said “I would like to withdraw $2000.” All of a sudden, I’m a sir. All of a sudden, the teller pronounces my last name correctly. And nobody pronounces my last name correctly. Lesson learned: money equals respect.
This is pathetic. Twenty something years on this planet and all I can come up with is two things that I’ve learned. That is sad, so very sad.
Oh, and the light does go off when you close the refridgerator. Freezer too. Same goes for many wine coolers. Garage doors are the opposite though. When you close a garage door, the light turns on.
If you haven’t figured it out yet. I have had insomnia all week. And right now, I pretty much feel like I’ve been awake for twenty plus hours straight. I’m a bit light-headed and the clock on the wall is starting to look ever so slightly maliable at room temperature. It hasn’t melted yet. But it’s getting there.
I woke up this morning full of energy. Too bad it was 2:09AM. Seriously, what the eff! So I walked over to the television and couch and started flipping. TSN was replaying yesterday’s Briar draws. Meh. CNN was playing commercials for ProActiv Solution, meh. The Fox affliate was playing a boring episode of Frasier. A Channel was playing… Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Oh my God Becky, take a look at that vampire’s butt.
So I sat there watching Kristy Swanson and Donald Sutherland beat up some Malibu vampires in between class and cheerleader practice.
Kristy Swanson was in one movie I really liked. It was a pretty shitty movie called The Chase. The movie had a pretty simple premise, Charlie Sheen carjacks Kristy Swanson’s car and takes her as a hostage as he runs from the cops after breaking out of prison. I guess the part of the movie that was most unbelievable and stupid was the part where the two of them screw, in the car, while leading the police chase.
After a couple scenes of Buffy, I switched back to Frasier.
Here are the official results for the contest. First place is Amazing Karnak, second place is Random Chick and third place is Wiwille. They are the best guessers around. I guess…
And I’ve decided to give one of those fake blogger awards. I call this award the WhatIGotSoFar Would Do Me Award (Or the “Wouldee” for short). This award is given to the hottest post of the past seven days.
This week’s winner is Maxie for her post Would You Rather, Week 12 in which she asks readers if they would rather imitate Linda Blair from The Exorcist during sex or speak only in Starbucks order during sex. Congrats Maxie, for writing this week’s hottest post.
Here are the correct answers for the contest. I’ve even included a brief explanation. (In case you actually care.)
Question #1 - Who is my favourite female vocalist?
a) Betty Davis
b) Ann Wilson c) Mavis Staples
d) Tina Turner
All great voices with character and all have some great music. But only one could be my favourite. Mavis Staples is that one. Listen to her on The Last Waltz and tell me that’s not the greatest sound a woman has ever made. You read that right. The greatest sound.
Question #2 - What is my favourite fruit? a) Cherry
b) Banana
c) Grape
d) Honeydew Melon
I prefer cherries. That is all. Not as much as I prefer the artificial cherry flavour that found its way into gum and soda pop, but they are the yummiest of all fruits.
Question #3 - Why is that my favourite fruit?
a) The colour b) The flavour
c) How I think it resembles a sexual organ
d) It makes me seamen sweeter
Anybody who chose option D, what the heck were you thinking? Even if that was true, that a fruit could make my seed taste sweeter (I’ve heard pineapple does that), why would I care? I’m not going to taste my seed. What do you think I am, some contortionist who likes to blow himself? Cherries are the tastiest of all fruits. Pretty simple stuff there folks.
Question #4 - Who did I vote for in the last federal election?
a) The NDP candidate b) The Green Party candidate
c) The Liberal Party candidate
d) I spoiled my ballot
I disliked the Conservative candidate in my riding and the Green guy was a former Reform party candidate. I sure as hell wasn’t voting for the commies in the NDP. In hind sight, I should have voted for the Liberal candidate. He won anyway and he earned it. He’s a good politician and a great man.
Question #5 - What was the single greatest baseball game ever?
a) Mark McGwire breaks Roger Maris’ single season home run record
b) Dennis Martinez throws a perfect game
c) Game six of the 1995 World Series d) Game seven of the 1991 World Series
Even though my favourite baseball team lost that game, seeing a pitcher go ten shutout innings in the seventh game of the World Series was just incredible.
Question #6 - What was the first song I ever slow-danced to?
a) Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard b) Tuesday’s Gone by Lynard Skynyrd
c) Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
d) Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion
I wasn’t going to dance to no Diane Warren crap, that’s fer sure. It was at some birthday party. My buddy B was being nagged by his girlfriend to dance with her. He kept saying “Only if a good song is playing.” Being his good buddy, I dug through the DJs collection until I found something worthwhile. By worthwhile, I mean, you know, some rock ballad. I found the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. My buddy grabbed his gal and I said what the heck and grabbed the birthday girl. And thanks to Woozie for correcting my poor spelling.
Question #7 - Who is my favourite professional wrestler of all time?
a) Hulk Hogan
b) Koko B. Ware
c) Ric Flair d) Bret “The Hitman” Hart
The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.
Question #8 - Why do I not partake in aquatic activities such as swimming, diving, etc.?
a) Allergic to chlorine
b) I have embarassing tan lines c) Near death experience at a water park
d) I don’t want to mess up my hair
I’m never going back to Wild Water Kingdom.
Question #9 - Who is my favourite MadTV cast member?
a) Bryan Callen b) David Herman
c) Artie Lange
d) Orlando Jones
Question #10 - I have one tattoo, what is it?
a) Barbed wire around my bicep b) A cross
c) A woman’s name
d) The Tasmanian Devil
Simple and both Christian and Rock & Roll.
Question #11 - When I sleep, which direction do I prefer to face?
a) Up
b) Down c) Left
d) Right
I don’t know why, it’s just more comfortable that way.
Question #12 - How many piercings do I have? a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 4
God gave me a certain number of holes in my head and I’d like to keep it that way.
Question #13 - What is my favourite Hallowe’en treat? a) Rockets
b) Jack O’Lantern gumballs
c) Potato chips
d) Candy corn
I love ‘em! Sometimes, I crush ‘em and grind ‘em and put them in a glass of soda pop.
Question #14 - What actor do people most frequently say I look like?
a) Robert DeNiro b) Al Pacino
c) Peter Lorre
d) Tony Danza
I don’t see the resemblence. I definetely see it in my father, but not in me. But people have come up to me and said I look like Al Pacino. A former co-worker of mine used to call me Pacino. He’d say “Hey, Pacino. Hey Scarface. How’s it goin’?” He’s dead now. I found out he slept with my sister. So I killed him.
Question #15 - Who did a see throw a can of beer at a cop?
a) Me
b) Bob
c) Juice d) none of the above
I don’t want to embarass the person who did do it. But I did see a guy throw a nearly full can of beer at a cop. It was a tall boy too.
Question #16 - Why did I watch the Weather Network morning show everyday for a year? a) The anchorwoman was hot
b) I worked outside and needed to know how to dress appropriately
c) Allergy/pollen reports
d) They do best reporting on road conditions
One day she wore tight leather pants. Yow-zah! I think she’s on CTV Newsnet now. Always behind a desk though. And she’s aged a bit. Not well.
Question #17 - What time does my alarm clock go off in the morning? a) 5:30AM
b) 5:45AM
c) 6:00AM
d) 6:15AM
Leaves me just enough time to shower and get dressed before Sportscentre.
Question #18 - What is my favourite flavour of tea?
a) Peppermint b) Vanilla Bean
c) Orange Pekoe
d) Ginger
It’s hard to find a good brand, but it’s wonderful stuff if you can find it.
Question #19 - What do I want to have done to my remains after I pass away?
a) Cremation
b) Burial c) Stuffed and have my head mounted like a buck
d) Burial at sea
Who wants it after I go?
Question #20 - When I was a small child, which television program did I never miss?
a) Mr. Dressup
b) Romper Room
c) The Friendly Giant d) The Flintstones
12:00PM, channel 8 in Toronto, the CTV affliate would play it every weekday. I’d get home just before it started from kindergarten and I’d plunk my butt down on the floor and not move for thirty minutes. Yabba dabba doo!
Question #21 - How old was I when I ate my very first hamburger?
a) 5 years old
b) 10 years old
c) 15 years old d) 25 years old
I found beef to be an acquired taste. I actually spent much of my life as a vegetarian. I very rarely ate any meat as a child and a teen. Obviously, expect for the meat flavouring in McDonald’s french fries that most people didn’t know about.
Question #22 - What is the name I use to describe my usual pizza order (toppings include ground beef, grilled chicken and bacon)?
a) The Eliminator
b) The Widowmaker c) The Barnyard Massacre
d) Heartattack In A Layby
One of every farm animal I can find. By the looks of this, the vegetarian phase is definetly over. And I’m possibly trying to make up for lost time.
Question #23 - What was my New Year’s Resolution for 1998?
a) Ten pushups, ten situps and ten chinups everyday
b) Read a book every week
c) Regulary attend church d) Keep my hands off myself (you know what I mean)
Question #24 - How long did I maintain my resolution? a) Into September
b) Into June
c) Into February
d) January 2nd
Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, those pansies. What a bunch of losers! The resolution failed when a buddy of mine brought over a movie called Cheerleader Nurses 2.
Question #25 - What was the first concert I ever attended?
a) Tesla at Kingswood b) Supernova Battle of the Bands at The Gasworks
c) Eye at The Opera House
d) David Bowie at The Air Canada Centre
Juice’s first band was performing. I had to go to show my support.
Question #26 - Who is my favourite stand up comedian
a) Chris Rock b) Dennis Miller
c) Sam Kinison
d) Emo Phillips
[Insert incredibly long and obscure metaphor here.]
Question #27 - What substance did my Brother get me to consume when I was a child?
a) Play-Doh
b) Some small pieces of Lego
c) Yellow snow d) That soapy water solution used to blow bubbles
Amazingly years later, he convinced a friend of mine to do the same. I was 3 or 4 when I drank the stuff. My friend was 20 when he drank the stuff. Yeah, I’ve got some stupid friends.
Question #28 - Who is my favourite Beatle?
a) John
b) Paul c) George
d) Ringo
Almost everybody picks John. I like George. He’s the quiet one.
Question #29 - Who is my favourite wife of a Beatle?
a) Yoko Ono
b) Linda Eastman c) Pattie Boyd
d) Heather Mills
Inspired Layla and had the decency not to get involved with her husband’s music.
Question #30 - Who is my favourite Traveling Wilbury? a) Nelson Wilbury (George Harrison)
b) Lefty Wilbury (Roy Orbison)
c) Charlie T. Jr (Tom Petty)
d) Lucky Wilbury (Bob Dylan)
He sorta started the band.
Question #31 - What is my favourite movie?
a) The Godfather
b) Citizen Kane
c) Scent of a Woman d) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Just a fantastic movie; I can’t say enough great things about it.
Question #32 - At which venue did I see the Rolling Stones perform? a) Air Canada Centre
b) Downsview Park
c) Horseshoe Tavern
d) Palais Royale
Great show, lots of stuff from Let It Bleed.
Question #33 - What is the most exciting thing in basketball?
a) The cheerleaders
b) Kobe Bryant
c) Big sweaty men bumping and grinding in the paint d) Inflatable Raptor
Bob thinks it’s Kobe and that is a good guess, but it’s Inflatable Raptor. He’s just so cute (therefore possibly deadly) and funny.
Question #34 - What is my favourite musical instrument?
a) Gibson Les Paul guitar b) Mellotron
c) Fiddle
d) Dobro
Big, ugly and competely pointless in a modern recording studio. But listen to Heart of the Sunrise and tell me it’s not great.
Question #35 - When did my insomnia start?
a) Last night b) Fall of 1999
c) Spring of 2003
d) Summer of 1996
It’s when I started doing that graveyard shift job.
Question #36 - What is my favourite watering hole? a) The Madison
b) Panorama
c) Intersteer
d) Archibald’s
For some reason, it’s just more fun to get drunk there than anyplace else. I can’t really explain it. It really sucks when you’re not drinking though.
Feel free to review your answers. I have yet to have the answers verified by my assistant, but the results tentatively look like this:
Third Place… Wiwille
Second Place… Random Chick
and First Place… the Amazing Karnak.
