Red Light District of the Apes

For those of you who disapprove of evolution… monkeys practice a small degree of economics.

Researchers have determined that male macaques in Indonesia have to trade their services as bug pickers in order to receive sexual favours from the females. For a male macaque to get some, he must first pick the bugs off of his potential mate. In colonies where there are a higher percentage of females, the males have more mating options and thusly don’t have to pick that many bugs off the female. When the females are in smaller numbers, the males must spend more time picking off the bugs in order to engage in some hot monkey lovin’.

Last night, I tested this macaque behaviour with humans. I ventured out into the usual human mating ground, a bar, and looked for a potential mate. Using only my thumbs and index fingers, I began to groom a lovely, young lady. After only three seconds of grooming, I received some physical contact. She slapped me.

Undettered by the obvious rejection of the first woman, I tried again with another woman. She too slapped me.

I can take a hint. I left the bar. I wanted to make sure these researchers were not blowing smoke up my ass so I visited the macaque habitat at the local zoo.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m in love. Her name is Mindy, she’s a macaque from a tiny island in Indonesia. I don’t care what you think, our love is pure and true, and we’re going to get married.

Source: Yahoo! News

Nü Werdz

I’m sure everybody knows that the word of the year was w00t. Yes folks, elite-speak has infiltrated the dictionary. Apparently it means something along the lines of “we own the other team” and has been frequently typed during games of Counterstrike and other nerdish pasttimes.

I figure, if that’s a new word, then I can make up my own words. I’m sick of letting über-nerds and rappers dictate words of the future. Here is a list of words I will be using from now on. And I will be using them a lot.

I don’t care if these words have or have not appeared on Urban Dictionary. I’ve already proved UB contains erroneous information.

• huffsparkle - to boast about oneself
• aslin - short for ‘ass lint’, a derogatory term
• dunckee - so bad its good
• ünga - of incredibly poor quality, often used as a prefix or modifier for unflattering adjectives
• mufofashik - music spefically made for obese women
• goatmeal - superlative used as a metaphor
• ichuck - (verb) to show displeasure for something found on the internet
• ichuck - (noun) that weird, chrunchy gunk found in the corner of one’s eye

Week Recap and Weekend Forecast

Last week I wrote about this guy who put a fake bomb in a museum and called it art. The people who operate the museum shut down the museum and the street around the building as a procaution. This guy was shocked that people took his art as a serious bomb threat. The debate over this incident has revolved around the issue of this act being art and therefore he should not be punished for causing a panic.

My opinion, okay, so what if it’s art; its still causing a panic therefore this guy should be charged with mischief and arrested and tried accordingly.

As for me this week, I had to shovel the driveway with my sore back. The large amount of snow on Tuesday morning reaggravated the sore back and had me laid up for a whole day. Other than that its been a long week with little to do. This has just seemed like a week that won’t end. I found out yesterday that I’ve got to work half a day Saturday. Yeah!

Bob floated the idea of going to Denny’s this weekend. I am totally looking forward to that. You see, I love a place with an all-day breakfast (which I’ve heard is Denny’s speciality) and I’ve never been to Denny’s.

Last Friday, me, Juicette and Janet were discussing breakfast foods, especially pancakes. I’ve been jonesing for pancakes ever since. So I am very looking forward to having some yummy, yummy pancakes.

On Sunday, my family is going out to meet the family of my brother’s fiancee. This will be the official first meeting of the families. Both me and my mother have met the soon-to-be inlaws. But my father has not. That worries me a bit. My father can be a lot to take in. He is certainly an odd creature. He’s my father and I love him. But I understand that he can rub people the wrong way. I am hoping that he can be respectful and humble when meeting these people. Its just that humble is the last word I’d ever use to describe my father. He’s flamboyant and loud. This is just the anxiety I’m going through. I can’t even imagine what my brother must be going through right now.

Recently, I have been asked by a fellow blogger to write about farting. I think she was joking. I hope she was joking. Who wants to read about what I have to think about farting? If you don’t want to read my thoughts on farting, skip the following paragraph.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Sure they can smell. But we all do it. Wouldn’t life be easier if we didn’t have to blame it on the dog. Yeah I farted. Whatcha gonna do ’bout it? Its offputting and certainly something you shouldn’t do around people you’re still trying to impress, but they’re funny. Especially those long sqeaky ones that don’t actually smell. At that point, its just a funny sound. I also think that putting up with somebody else’s fart is sign of true love. If your partner lets one rip without trying to hide it or cover it up, it means your partner loves you. And if you just let it go without raising a stink (complaing or bitching about it, I couldn’t avoid the pun), then you truly love that person and are willing to accept the fact that your partner is a human being.

Okay, I’m done writing about farting for this post.

Another fellow blogger wrote that I should post some photos of myself that can be seen on my Facebook profile. I don’t quite understand why. I mean sure I’m a very handsome guy. But she can see them through Facebook. Why should I put them on here too? If she needs to get a gander, she can click her way into Facebook and take a good look. I don’t blame her for wanting to take a look. She’s a woman, she has needs. Its just a shame the camera person had a shaky hand and couldn’t get the lighting right. I look great but the photos aren’t perfect. Shame.

Remember When Landscape Paintings Were Art?

I don’t know if this story found its way out of the Toronto area, but a couple of days ago there was a bomb scare at the Royal Ontario Museum.

Bomb threats just aren’t funny. Face facts folks, the post 9/11 world has to take stuff like this seriously. If authorities do not take bomb scares seriously, they face being held responsible for the chaos that ensues when the bombs are real.

This fake bomb was placed by a student artist. How a fake bomb is art escapes me.

Basically, what this guy did was he made a “sculpture” of some pipe bombs, placed them in a museum and filmed people’s reactions as they fleed the building. The people obviously thought they were real. The videos were almost immediately posted on the internet.

This artist consulted a lawyer before going through with this act. That shows he knew what he was doing could be misinterpreted as a real threat. His way of informing the museum of his actions was to dial random numbers in the museum until somebody answered and he said “There is a not a bomb by the entrance to the museum,” and immediately haning up the phone. He also claims to have written “This is not a bomb” somewhere on the piece. Sure, that’s responsible.

I’ve got a new idea for public art. It’s more of a performance art than it is a sculpture. Let’s string this guy up at a public square and administer ten lashes to his bare back.

This guy claims to have had no intent on creating the havoc that insued. Well, intent is irrelevant. He set in motion a series of events against the public good. That is a crime. He should be punished. Okay, this is Canada, the guy will get a slap on the wrist and nothing more, but he deserves to be punished for his crimes. Call me old fashioned, but I think a public flogging is in order for this guy.

To make matters worse, this guy has shown little to no remorse for what has happened. “Police waste their time all the time doings all kinds of things,” was this guy’s response to the amount of effort the police placed in regards to this art. A museum was closed down, a major street was blocked off and businesses in a busy shopping district had to be closed.

All in the name of art. This was all in the name of art. What’s wrong with a painting? A sculpture of nude guy, that’s art. Art does not involve the unaware. This video and sculpture piece involved people who didn’t know they were part of the art.

Sources: Toronto Star, Toronto Sun, AM 640.

untitled post

I’ve been finding it hard to write posts recently. My last two were events that occurred in the 1990s. That’s how short of ideas I’ve been lately. Or maybe, that’s just how mundane my life has been recently.

I’ve got a few little ideas. Nothing I would really write a whole post about.

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Life With Carmine’s been pretty active recently: the iPods and poison.

And on top of all that, I think I’ve got him listening to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

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The fellow in China who was in charge of the nation’s food and drug watchdog organization was put to death for allowing the manufacture and sale of six fake drugs. He took money and gifts from the drug manufacturers to give these drugs a passing grade.

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I think this big push to help the Earth and move the Environmental cause is a bit misguided. I have this new opinion. Environmentalism is a religion; a religion I do not subscribe to. I don’t hate it, but I choose not to believe it, just as many may choose to not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and saviour. You can worship your religion your way just as long as I can worship my religion my way.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, Environmentalists, please just leave me alone. I don’t want to drink your Kool-aid.

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Since having seen Transformers, I went back to watch a couple of older Michael Bay films again. I watched The Island again. That movie wasn’t very good. I watched Pearl Harbor again. I love that movie. Yes, apparently I’m an idiot. I still don’t understand why people don’t like that movie. It’s just so damn touching. I think it paints a view of America that we just don’t see anymore.

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I hate being guilted into giving to charity. Especially when I disagree with how the charity is being run or the cause itself. My favourite line is “Don’t you want to help the children?” What if I say “I don’t want to help the children.” I’m all of a sudden a bad guy. Well, I guess I’m a bad guy. Just not as bad as those rich folk running the charities just so they can make enough money to buy a second Mercedes and having no real interest in solving the problem. If you think about it, if childhood illiteracy was to be wiped out, the charity would then go out of business and all those bigwigs running the charity would be out of work. The people I feel sorry for are those true believers doing all the grunt work for little or no pay because they actually think they’re making a difference. How can I tell these people they are NOT making a difference?

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Recommended Listening: O Children by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

If I Ruled The World

If I ruled the world, the world would certainly be a better place for me. I make no efforts to hide the fact that if I was the grand poobah of the planet, I would use my position to make my life better. But I would like to think that like-minded people would also enjoy the world much more as well.

I would enact changes that would both benefit the local area around me and the world as a whole.

Although I haven’t travelled much, I really like Southern Ontario and see no real need to flee it as though it was a burning building. (I’ve never quite understood wanderlust.) Some of my initial edicts would be to make Southern Ontario a better place for me and for people who matter. This way, other communities could see a properly run community and follow suit.

I was thinking specifically of the eradication of the streetcar. You see, the streetcar is the giant eyesore that plagues Toronto. It provides the same sort of service a bus provides without the flexibilty of being able to steer. Buses can adapt to traffic while streetcars create traffic. Buses drive on any flat or flat-ish surface while streetcars require tracks and overhead wires. Obviously, streetcars must have some sort of benefit. It beats the fuck out of me what that benefit is, but it must exist. I just don’t think that benefit, no matter how obscure it is, out-weighs the drawbacks it creates that are easily avoidable though the implentation of buses.

My other initial edicts would be for the global community. I was thinking of instituting strong regulations of the press.

I understand freedom of the press is a vital cog in the world machine. The press exists to provide the people with the information it needs to make decisions and to disallow authoritarians from running the world unapposed. If I was the authority, I would want somebody second guessing every move I make so that I could make better decisions. I believe there is too much press though. Why is it that each evening I can see three television programs discussing Paris Hilton being released from jail but CNN’s Crossfire is still not being put back on the air? What is actually closer to being news: Mary Hart discussing who will be getting exclusive interview rights* of ex-con Paris Hilton; or an opinion piece of Tucker Carlson arguing with Paul Begala about immigration reform?

Last night, ET discussed the upcoming release of Paris Hilton from jail. Meanwhile, CNN’s Crossfire is still off the air. Okay, CNN has got shows like the Lou Dobbs Report which regularly discusses the topic of immigration reform and rightly so, its an important issue in the United States. And Anderson Cooper is providing a lot of important news on his program as well, but I miss Crossfire dammit! If I ruled the world, I’d bring back Crossfire.

Ruling the world is not just dealing with gridlock and dinnertime television. It is also dealing with communities who do not get along. I’m not sure that I could easily solve age-old conflicts like those that exist in the Middle East, but I would love the opportunity to sit down with the leaders of all communities involved and force a resolution that obviously benefits none of those involved. Therefore nobody thinks they got the short end of the stick. Giving every side everything they want is impossible because each side’s demands contradict each other’s demands. So, no one gets anything they ask for and everyone get’s equally screwed.

Some more ideas I’m toying with should I rise to absolute power.

• More NHL teams in Canada, fewer in the States.
• Elimination of those high caffeine energy drinks.
• Bring the LP all the way back. They sound better and guess what, they’re just cooler than CDs.
• Give every child lots of Lego blocks. Lego is the best toy a child can have.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to write in my name next time you vote.

If you ruled the world, what would you do?

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* I am sort of proud of Barbara Walters for not ponying up the dough to get the exclusive interview rights with Paris Hilton after her release from jail. It was probably due to the seven figure amount the Hiltons were demanding for the rights but still, Barbara showed she could be a journalist when push comes to shove and decide not to do what would obviously be a fluff piece setup to polish the public image of a person who’s got nothing of value to offer the public.

Recommended Listening: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears

Bono: “LOOK AT ME!”

It’s no secret Bono will do almost anything to get his face in yours. At least he often has a good reason. He is either making good music (okay, 1 good album every decade is good enough for contemporary standards) or he is trying to make the world a better place as he sees fit. Bono does good things.

But I like democracy. Yes, I’ve mellowed lately and am more accepting to democracy. I don’t need a dictatorship anymore. I’ve lived in an elected dictatorship and I much prefer a democractic government. You know, in theory, democracy should work. I’ve just never seen it in action though.

Somewhere in Europe (Germany probably), a G8 summit is being held. Apparently Bono has been trying to meet with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Bono has met with Canadian higher-ups before. Paul Martin got Bono to speak at the Liberal convention a couple of years back and poof, Paul Martin got the leadership of the party and the PM’s office. Of course, once reaching office, Paul Martin stopped returning Bono’s phone calls. It looks to me like the current PM is a busy guy. With this G8 summit, a lot of important issues are being discussed. Tensions between the USA and Russia have not been this high since the fall of the iron curtain. Everybody else is talking about the environment. Harper went into the G8 with the intentions of putting more environmental resposibility on the nations doing the most harm.

Sure, Bono’s got good intentions. But until he’s willing to put his name on the ballot, he should not be given the same wait as a world leader. Bono is in a very convenient position. He can say whatever he wants because he won’t be held responsible if his ideas fail. He is a spokesperson, not a politician. Bono is a lobbyist who is just not willing to actually get his hands dirty.

I close by writing, Bono sang “I will follow” not “I will lead,”

Recommended Listening: I Will Follow by U2.