354 Words on Evolution, Creation, Intelligent Design & Paying my Bills

Something I’ve noticed about the blogosphere is the popularity of posts about evolution, creationism, intelligent design and all the squabbling between the different groups that support one belief and detract from another. I think it’s about time I jumped on that bandwagon.

Call me a capitalist pig or a heretic if you will, but what does any of that stuff have to do with me paying my rent on time?

Evolution believers will say that my great-great… great-grandfather was some sort of primate. Okay, what did he leave me in his will? Oh, nothing, primates didn’t write wills 65 million years ago. So, why do I give a shit about my relation to some primate?

Creationists believe I am a descendent of Adam and Eve. Sure, whatever, that’s fine with me. Again I ask the will question… Wait a minute, didn’t their boneheaded behaviour get them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Forget the will, their idiocy is the reason I’m not living in paradise right now. Adam, if you can read this from the great beyond, thanks grandpa!

As for intelligent design, I don’t even know what it is, but how intelligent can it be when humans get sick and die. When I design stuff, I design it to last. Or I at least have the decency to call it a half-assed design.

Frankly, I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to know where I come from. What’s the point of coming from here or from there if I can’t make a little bit of coin to pay my rent, maybe knock down those student loan payments. I’m too busy trying to live today to worry about yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and so on.

Religion, science; neither of them are helping (or hurting) my wallet right now so I’m just going to go back to my living day-to-day. Maybe I’ll put some more thought to this if some monkey or some angel serves me with a paternity suit.

And as for my landlord, you can kiss my big ol’ butt! And if it tastes like monkey, I’ll give a point to evolution.

Ask WIGSF: the Answers

Thanks to everybody who wrote in. I very much enjoyed reading your questions and I very much enjoyed responding to them.

To really get into the questions, I’ve tried reading them in what I’d think the voice of each writer is like. Most of the writers, I’ve never heard their voices. A lot of it is guess work based on the writing style. I have included a description of each voice so you can play along too.

Maxie asked in a valley girl voice: If I was visiting Canada, where should I go and what should I do? Do you think people are nicer in Canada?

If you were to visit Canada, there are many places to go. It is a pretty big country. If you like to ski and all that goes with the ski resort mentality, Banff, Alberta. Really pricey, but apparently its pretty nice. If you need a heroin fix, Vancouver. If you like watching women take their clothes off for money while being surrounded by snooty French people, Montreal. If you want green, rolling hills and nothing else, the east coast. Otherwise, Toronto. Its the biggest city in Canada and therefore has all the big city stuff. The nightclub scene is a bit to urban for my liking but to each his/her own, right? And if you like really big phallic symbols, there is none bigger than the CN Tower.

As for whether or not Canadians are nicer. We’re not. The Ministry of Tourism has recently enacted a new policy where all tourists are spat at upon entering the country. If you’re driving in, when the customs official asks “Can I see your passport,” duck. That official has got a loogie with your name on it. You don’t want to know what we do to people arriving by the airplane (we’ve only got the one).

But I guess the one definitive good thing about my nation, better beer. Okay, not so much better taste-wise, its more like beer in Canada is an alcoholic beverage. Even the imports are stronger in Canada. A bottle of Heinekin in the States (~3%) is different from a botttle of Heinekin in Canada (~5%), although they’re both imported from the same place.

I can’t speak for restaurants outside Toronto, but the ones in Toronto are great. I don’t think enough is said about the dining experience in Toronto. Just stay out of the restaurants in Toronto’s Scarborough area. For some reason, all the restuarants there have crumby service.

In conclusion, if you get a chance, come up here. Give Toronto a try. Its a nice place to visit. Especially in the Spring or Autumn. That’s when the weather is really nice. The Summer might be too humid for spending any amount of time outdoors.

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Dan asked like that good drinking buddy every guy has: What’s up with that $500 bet you made a while back? Any progress?

Good question Dan. As it turns out, the agreement was not as I described it originally. From later discussions with pals Bob and Columbia, it was determined that Columbia is going to pay $500 dollars to the first of me or Bob to do the dirty deed with a woman in a manner that is consistent with a set of rules that were agreed upon.

As for any progress, on my part, no progress has been achieved. I haven’t actually tried. There is a part of me that really wants Bob to take this challenge. He needs it more than me (the sex, not the money). Of course, there is also a part of me that is forgetting what boobs look like.

I also see the situation from a financial perspective. Sure, if I win, I’ll get $500. But how much will it cost me in dinners, drinks, flowers and shit like that. Frankly, the $500 won’t cover my expenses. It may be cheaper in the long run just to get a hooker. And with a hooker, there’s none of that relationship bullshit bogging me down afterwards.

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Bob asked trying to be sly but failing miserably: I don’t know where to start, so many questions to ask, so little time: 1) Do you plan on working for your boss for the rest of your life? 2) Who is going to win the NBA championship this season? 3) Are you planning on moving anytime in the next 5 years? 4) Who is going to win the Superbowl? 5) Do you want to go to my bro’s on saturday night?

1) Only the rest of his life.

2) Kobe.

3) No. I love it in Maple.

4) The New England Patriots.

5) Not really.

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Miss Ash asked in a firm, angry feminist voice, almost acusitory in tone: Yes I would also like to know the progress on the bet. As well as: 2)Who do you live with? 3)Why do you dislike women so much?

2) My wife.

3) See answer #2.

Okay, seriously, I didn’t always dislike women, I used to like them. Then I realized they all disliked me. I’m not willing to bend over backwards to appease them and their irrational hatred of all things me. I’m better than that. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem, not mine.

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Wiwille asked in generic manly curious tone: 1) Do you have any desire to be involved in matrimony? 2) Why do you believe Miss Ash is the hotness? 3) Would you ever be an activist in Canadian politics? 4) Ginger or Mary Ann? 5) Does your obesssion with modern music mask the fact that your secret desire is to be a world champion square dancer?

1) Right now, I think my current level of matrimonial involvement is plenty. Honestly, I’m just not sold on the whole ’till death part. People can live for a long time these days. I don’t see somebody putting up with me for more than a week let alone a lifetime.

2) She ain’t half bad to look at, you know, when she’s not tomato red. And she likes Bowie.

3) Possibly. If it ever gets to the point where the socialist powers that rule this country ever make direct efforts to negatively alter my lifestyle (or that of my family), I may have to put aside the rhetoric and physically take a stand.

4) Mary Ann.

5) I have no desire to be a world champion square dancer. I’m not much for the dancing. The music I enjoy very much. As for modern music, if you’re thinking modern music is just new music, screw that shit. Its all junk. But if by modern you mean music of the 20th century and on, well, there’s just so much of it. Prior to that century, audio recording wasn’t in existance. Sure, classical music has some great pieces, but all we have of Mozart and Beethoven is the sheet music, we don’t have the performances themselves.

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Helloblog asked in thick accent, not sure exactly which one, something British: 1. How do you like your tea? Strong or rather milky? And do you perfer it in a cup or a mug? (Yeah, that’s right, i’m combining questions). 2. Do you know my mum’s boss, Mario? He is also from Canada. 3. Who won the FA cup in 1988?

1. I like my tea strong but I often use a bit soy milk instead of any other whitener. I also change the amount of sugar I use from time to time. Right now, a spoon and a half of sugar. And I drink it in a mug. I’ve actually got a couple of those large mugs that fits nearly a litre of tea.

2. I’m an Italian Canadian. Do you have any idea how many people I’ve met named Mario?

3. Wimbledon.

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Shae asked, how to describe that tone, high of pitch with a generous dosage of happiness and curiosity: 1) What makes your world go round? 2) What’s your ideal woman? 3) Ginger or Mary Ann? (I’m copying wiwille!)

JOY!

I’m going to answer #2 first. My ideal woman, I’ve covered this before but I’ll sum it up for ya. She’s funny, passionate, musical, and enjoys a good meal; therefore she doesn’t exist.

My world, well, my world is Earth and based on generally accepted scientic theories, it goes around because of the Sun’s gravitational pull. For more details, ask somebody who has studied astrophysics. I’ve got a diploma in computer programming, that’s it. I was never that interested in physics.

But if you were asking that question in a more metaphysical tone, well, its got nothing to do with the Sun. My world revolves around finding pleasure in the simple things. I don’t have oodles of money, I don’t sleep with supermodels and I keep my nose clean. Pleasure, happiness, its all around. An evening walk through a lightly snowed on park, fried chicken, turning on the radio and hearing a great song I’ve haven’t heard in a long time, stuff like that. That’s what makes my world go round.

And again, Mary Ann.

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Jessica asked in a simple, bland manner: Do people in your real like know about this here blog? Was there ever a WIGSF 1.0?

Them is some good questions. A couple of people I know in life read this blog. Bob and Juice stop by from time to time.

When I started blogging, I used Blogger but after some screwy technical difficulties I was having with the site during the whole Blogger Beta fiasco, I switched over to WordPress. When I made that switch, I chose to change up the name, just a bit. This is my second significant attempt at blogging. I think the version 2.0 is both appropriate and nerdy. And Jessica, I’m a nerd, a big one.

More Thoughts on Farts

Look what you started JLee, now I’ve got farts on the brain.

I recently learned that kangaroo farts contain no methane gas what-so-ever. Methane gas is the chemical in a fart that makes it so lethal. It is a very lethal substance. Environmentalists don’t want you to know that the leading cause of global warming is methane gas created by flatulence. Cows and pigs, being heavily farmed animals, create more methane than all the cars and factories in the world.

The importance of knowing this odd bit of information about kangaroo farts is that I can recommend the mass farming of kangaroo for meat. If we can convince people to eat more kangaroo meat and less cow meat, we can help the environment. In Australia, kangaroo meat is an available product. Apparently, its a leaner meat than beef and it doesn’t taste half bad (so I have been told).

However, I think farming of kangaroos might be more difficult than that of cows. Cows are a more docile creature. Ever been to a cow farm? I’ve got one down the street from me. The cows just stand around being fenced in by a thin barbed wire barrier. Kangaroos could easily hop over that fence. Last thing I need now is to come home from work and find a kangaroo grazing in the ditch like that one time I found a sheep down the street. That’s when I learned there was a sheep farm just to the west of me.

Time Travel

I’ve often wondered what I would do if I could travel back in time. Would I go back two thousand years and meet Jesus? Would I find out what actually killed the dinosaurs? Who killed John F. Kennedy? Find out what was up with Mona Lisa?

I wouldn’t do any of those things. I would go back to the 1970s and watch some concerts by some of my favourite musical artists. Maybe buy some records that are pretty hard to find today, that’s about it.

If I was to travel back in time, I don’t think I’d have a Doc Brown to help me out. I would have to do everything myself. Therefore I have prepared a time travel kit and I keep it with me at all times if I accidently get sent back to the 1970s. I can’t take any money because today’s money won’t work there. What I do have is some clothes that can pass off as somewhat normal clothing. Blue jeans and t-shirts, neither have changed much in the past thirty years. I have also packed some jewelery and a sports almanac.

First thing I do is hawk the jewels. That way I get some cash. Using that cash I can make some bets on sporting events. With the almanac, I can guarentee some victories and keep a steady stream on income from the betting. The key, don’t get greedy and purposely lose a couple of bets to keep the bookies from thinking I’m always right. I don’t want them to get suspicious and then starting breaking my legs.

With some money, I can stay at a decent hotel, eat out every night and buy concert tickets and maybe some records. Basically, it would be like a vacation to a funky 1970s themed Las Vegas casino.

If you could travel back in time, what time would you travel to and what would you do?

Recommended Listening: Back in Time by Huey Lewis and the News.

The Future

Ever seen those cartoons from way back in the day when cartoons preceded movies? I’m talking about Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry and Mickey Mouse; the Golden Age of animation. Every once in a while, a cartoon would have some sort of time travel or severe aging occurance. Often this was shown to the audience by showing a clock spinning really fast and some calendars flipping from month to month and year to year.

Today, we can watch these cartoons and say “Wow, did these guys get the future wrong or what!” Its 2007. Where’s my A-1 Disintegration Gun, bitch!

How about some teleporters? Hell, I’d settle for an inertia dampener at this point.

The Jetsons sidewalk! There’s something that could be made today. That’s something we have today. So why are there so few of them around today? Take for example, Spadina Subway Station in Toronto. For those who don’t know, this station connects two different subway routes. But to transfer from one track to the other, the passenger must walk a couple hundred meters. This is a perfect place for a Jetsons sidewalk. Here’s the rub, there used to be one there. They ripped the thing out and now everybody has to walk. It was a pretty simple three aisle walkway. One standard walkway, no moving parts and two escalators with no elevation; one going north, one going south. In the past couple of years, they ripped out the escalators and widened the standard walkway. WHAT THE HELL! This is the future, not the past. Shouldn’t things be getting more technologically advanced as time marches forward.

Here’s a quick lesson on the history of the sidewalk.

In ancient times, man would clear a path by removing stones and shrubbery to allow other people to travel through the path.

Eventually someone thought “Hey, lets uses these stones to make tiles so the path is more noticable, and prettier.”

With the invention of concrete and cement and asphalt, people were able to create paths that were uniform.

In 1962, Hanna-Barbera gave us The Jetsons and the Jetsons sidewalk. Sure, that show had all kinds of crazy cartoon inventions: flying cars, talking robots and jet boots. But with all that wacky stuff, the most compelling invention was the automatic sidewalk. And why, because it was something contemporary technology could grasp and implement.

So, its now 45 years later, WHY ARE WE REPLACING TECHNOLOGY WITH TILES?

What’s next: horse drawn carriages to replace cars and trucks; fountain pens to replace ball-points; and the rotary telephone.

I’m not saying don’t ride a horse. I’m not saying don’t use a fountain pen. I’m not saying throw away that old rotary phone you’ve got collecting dust in your basement. What I am saying: “DON’T RIP UP A JETSONS SIDEWALK AND REPLACE IT WITH TILES!”

Ladies and gentlemen, walking is so twentieth century, but now, this is the twenty-first century, I don’t want to walk anymore.

It’s not just the sidewalk that’s pissing me off. People have been flying into space since the 1950s. I can’t think of one useful thing that’s been brought back. Oooh, a moon rock. Yeah, I think we’ve got rocks here on Earth. How many uber-millions of dollars did NASA spend to send a guy to the Moon just to plant a flag and pick up a rock. A ROCK PEOPLE!

I’m willing to think that Neil Armstrong had no idea what he’d find on the Moon. But when he got there and didn’t find anything he really should have made some shit up. Make the trip seem a bit noteworthy.

And who was the astronaut who golfed on the Moon? Please explain to me the purpose of that.

In conclusion, the future is kinda boring. And its not because cartoons made outrageous claims (they did), but people today have failed in their willingness to make those outrageous claims come true.

Recommended Listening: Silver Future by Monster Magnet.

“My car gets 40 rods to the hog’s head and that’s the way I likes it!”

The program director on CFRB 1010 took to the air to answer phoned in complaints and questions from the listeners on Wednesday, January 31st. That was cool. I love it when people put themselves in the frontlines knowing full well they’re going to get shot at. Some of the comments were nice, some weren’t, really, what do I care, right? One caller asked why the station doesn’t report the temperature in Fahrenheit anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Metric System!

If you’re reading this and you live in one of the few places in the world that don’t use the Metric System, don’t take offense, I’m not attacking you. I’m attacking those people who live in places like Canada, places that have converted. There are people today, in Canada, who have still yet to grasp the concept of the Metric System. Hello, people! Conversion began in 1970.

The company where I am employed uses measurements all day long. We use the Metric System. Our handwritten layouts are in centimetres, but are software is limited to millimetres. On dear, what are we to do? Hmmm… Cut the last digit off the millimetre measurement and voila, centimetres. Easy, isn’t it.

In regards to the Fahrenheit Celsius debate in Canada, give up the Fahrenheit. Celsius is easier to work with in regards to why we as Canadians need the temperature. In Canada, the first thing we need to know is whether or not water will freeze. Celsius is designed for just such a need. Water freezes at 0 degrees. Below 0 degrees means cold, above 0 degrees means warm. It doesn’t get easier than that.

For crying out loud people, convert!

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Could someone explain to me why cars have that feature to tell you “ICE POSSIBLE.” It is always obvious to me whether or not ice is possible on the roads. If there’s ice beside the road, there could be ice on the road. If the temperature is below freezing, there could be ice on the road. If there’s a car flipped upside down in the ditch 50 metres in front of you, there could be ice on the road. If you had an icicle sword fight while waiting for the car to warm up, there could be ice on the road.

Recommended Listening: Too Cold in the Winter by Cry of Love

Colonization of Outer Space

Recently, Stephen Hawking was in Hong Kong speaking about mankind’s need to populate astral bodies other than the Earth. His claim that we need this is to have a backup in case of a global disaster. I am certainly in favour of mankind expanding it’s habitation into space. Here is my guide to colonize other planets.

Step I: Finding a Suitable Location

The closest place to the Earth that resembles the Earth in physical characteristics is Mars, the fourth planet from the Sun. It is much farther from the Earth than the Moon but has a greater gravitational pull and a more accommodating atmosphere. Mars is a more suitable long term solution to moving from the Earth.

Step II: Getting There

Currently travel to Mars from the Earth is about six months. This does differ depending on the two planet’s relative locations. The Earth and Mars orbit the Sun at different speeds and their orbital paths are different distances. Much of the transportational work would have to be done all at once.

Step III: Making It Habitable

Much of Mars’ atmosphere is carbon dioxide. There is very little oxygen in the air. To counter that imbalance, Mars must first be populated with some sort of device that can perform the needed chemical exchange. The Earth’s natural plantlife has the ability to convert carbon dioxide to oxygen. The first step in terraforming Mars would be to populate the planet with plants. Launch thousands of plants and trees and such onto the surface of Mars would be a must. Each plant or group of plants would have to be potted into some sort of device which could provide the plant with water until the atmosphere is capable of creating sufficient rain to feed the plants. Sending a lot of nutrient rich top soil would also be needed and would have to land adjacent to the planter devices. This way the plants could drop seeds that would eventually grow out of the top soil. Thus enabling the plants not just to grow, but breed as well. As the plant population grows, the rate of chemical change in the air would increase. Along with the plants, microorganisms would have to live on the plants and in the top soil in order to breakdown dying plant particles.

Step IV: The First Wave

Once the planet has the ability to foster life as we know it, the planet would need animals larger than just the microorganisms. Ideally, the first animals sent should be animals that are rather self-sufficient and could be able to live off the specific plants that we already sent. Also these animals would have to be edible by humans. We are not to just send them there to live in a pollution-free environment. We have to eat them.

Step V: The Bubble Dome

A bubble dome would be the next thing sent to Mars. The bubble dome would need to be well stocked with all that humans need to live as well as tools needed to create more bubble domes. Bubble domes provide lots of work and living space for people as well as create that futuristic feel that we would all expect from a colony on Mars. The first humans on Mars would live in the bubble dome while they build other structures on Mars. These people would also have to begin mining Mars for it’s natural resources in order to create other bubble domes.

Step VI: Dealing with the Locals

Should us humans have to deal with the locals on Mars, we could learn from our own mistakes on Earth when colonizing such places as the Americas but chances are, after the terraforming of Mars, I doubt the locals could survive such a drastic change in the planets atmosphere. If any remain, we may have to “off” them. I understand that is genocide but if we have to live on Mars, its because we cannot live on Earth anymore. Or maybe a trade could be performed. Give the martians Earth and we take Mars. Think about that for a second, we’ve really messed up Earth. But they don’t have to know that.