Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

It was the oddest thing. Last night, my friend Columbia was back in town so we met up for drinks at the Honest Lawyer. Now, my friend Columbia may live out of town, but it’s not like he’s one of those friends who I haven’t seen in ten years and all we talk about is stuff that happened ten years ago. When we meet up everytime he comes back to Toronto (about twice a year) we discuss contemporary stuff, and music (he still thinks Floyd is better than Zeppelin).

But last night, we spent much of the evening discussing grade school (where we met). I don’t know how the discussion went there, but it did. And too much of the discussion focused on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Any discussion about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by adults is too much.

So, with that in mind, let’s discuss the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Who is your favourite Turtle? And why?

First, there’s Leonardo. He’s in blue and wields a pair of katana swords. Leonardo is Columbia’s choice because he is always calm and collected. He is, if anyone of the four could be, the leader of the group.

Columbia’s girlfriend chose Donatello. He’s in purple and carries a bo stick. Donatello is the most tech savy and smartest of the bunch.

The third is Michelangelo. He wears orange and wields a pair of nunchukus. Those are those little sticks held together with a short chain. Michelangelo’s personality is much like his weapon, wild and wacky.

The final member of this quartet is Raphael. Both Bob and I picked him as our favourite. First of all, he wears red. Second of all, his has the oddest weapon. The sai is that short three pronged dagger. But mostly, he’s the most badass of the bunch. The rebel who plays by his own rules.

As I write this, I wonder. The pair of guys (Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird) who came up with the idea of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, what the hell were they smoking? Think about how screwed up a concept the Turtles are. A group of mutated turtles study and practice martial arts. How much do you have to mutate a turtle to give it: a) ability to walk on its hind legs; b) ability to speak and converse with humans; c) abiilty to grasp science and engineering concepts; and d) the dexterity to be a freakin’ ninja! Then, throw in the fact that they eat lots of pizza. Okay, you try staying in shape on an all pizza diet. Can’t be done. (Lord knows I’ve tried.)

Although the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were entertaining for me as a child, I can’t help but look back and cringe at the worst moment in their existance. (Grace, this one’s for you darlin’.) In the second live action film based on these characters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: the Secret of the Ooze (yeah, I know, wicked title), the four turtles get on stage and dance at small concert venue where none other than Vanilla Ice performs Ninja Rap.

How I Fixed How I Met Your Mother

I lost a lot of respect for the show after Barney and Robin did it. Sure, bringing in Sarah Chalke was a nice touch, but too little too late. We know she ain’t the mother. Marshall’s hair is still awful, if anything, it’s getting worse. And, the show is taking the mystery away from Barney. He’s not supposed to have depth. He’s just supposed to be there, be an asshole and leave.

I watched last night’s episode and I was pretty much lost. I guess Ted is still dating Sarah Chalke’s character and Barney and Ted are on the outs. I miss one or two episodes and look what happens. What else did I miss? Did Ranjit do it with Lily’s mom?

Britney Spears returned, looking nothing like the character she played in her first appearance although she was playing the same character. (You know, if the whole whore thing doesn’t work out for her, she may be able to find work as a ditzy blonde actress.)

Here is how I would fix How I Met Your Mother if I was showrunner.

Step One: Bring back the cockamouse. Have an entire season where the characters are being terrorized by the cockamouse. Yet never show the cockamouse in any image that isn’t a blur.

Step Two: Occasionally refer to Barney as Swarley.

Step Three: Send Robin away for a season. Have her take a job in Tokyo or someplace. Fill the void with a string of girlfriends for Ted. Name them all Tracy.

Step Four: Introduce a wacky landlord played by Don Knotts. Oh, wait. He’s dead. How about Norman Fell? Oh darn. He’s dead too. Find somebody, but he’d better be funny.

Step Five: Have Barney compete in a Laser Tag tournament that runs for an entire season of the show. Culminating in the final match on the season finale.

Step Six: Minimize Lily’s role. She brings nothing to the show. It’s about time somebody said it.

There you have it. Six steps for fixing How I Met Your Mother.

Music Guessing Game & HIMYM Revelations

Today is the last day to submit answers for Music Guessing Game 2. It looks like people are keeping their answers closer to themselves. Nobody’s putting answers in the comments. Hmm… The competition is heating up.

I’ve prepared the mp3 file for the next round, the expert round. This one, I tells ya, will seperate the men from the boys. Eeeep, it’s a doosy. It will be posted either later today or tomorrow morning.

---

This season of How I Met Your Mother has been disappointing. The show has obviously peaked already. Now it seems like all the writers can do is tease the audience. I don’t like being teased. This week’s episode, the audience was teased with the story of how a goat made it into Ted’s 30th birthday party. (We all know goats are for 50th birthdays, not the 30th.)

I’ve also disliked the implementation of Barney and Robin doing it. (You know what I mean.) I don’t think I can have any sympathy for Robin anymore. I lost too much respect for the character. I’ve always had issues with Robin before, you know, being a bitch and all, but now, I’m completely indifferent about her. She could be written off the show and I simply wouldn’t care.

And what’s the deal with Marshall’s hair. Since the show returned to the air after the writer’s strike, Marshall’s hair has been this awful floppy thing.

(And now, a joke is for Bob.) Simon has bright red butt blood. Point for Simon.

How I Met Madeleine Albright

The freeze frame gag is something that gives television programs and movies the ability to be funny the second time around. Often freeze frame gags appear in the background or in the foreground for a split-second. It often manifests itself as a sign or object that is of no relevance to the plot of the story.

The Simpsons was one of the first television programs to readily employ the use of the freeze frame gag. The animated world allowed the freeze frame gag to be employed with ease. Later, Futurama would use them just as often.

Last night, I saw a sitcom using the freeze frame gag. A non-animated television program very rarely uses that gag. Last night, How I Met Your Mother employed the freeze frame gag with a split second showing in the foreground. Early in the episode, the character of Barney was thinking about all the women he slept with. The screen then showed a montage of women against a black field. As the montage continued, the women changed at a greater frequency.

During this montage, I noticed something weird, and no it wasn’t the fact that many women appeared mulitple times in the montage or that at least one of the women later appeared as an extra in another scene; although both of those are true. I noticed an image that looked out of place with the hodge-podge of trampy broads. Using my trusty pause-live-TV feature on my PVR, I was able to backtrack and go through the montage frame by frame. Splashed for only a few frames in the middle of the montage was former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

I laughed for quite a bit when I saw that.

Also, last night’s episode introduced another website. First there was Barney’s blog, then there was the Swarley website and the slapbet countdown clock. Now there is www.tedmosbyisajerk.com. Sure, the site crashed last night due to overwhelming traffic. Thank you very much Blogger! But when I was able to access it, I noticed all the things I would expect from a site devoted to warning women about Ted Mosby, architect (in actuality, Barney using his buddy’s name and occupation). The site also contains a personal song that plays when the page loads.

Sports & Television

How long has it been since I’ve written about sports?

I like sports. Sports is a very guy thing. Big muscular men sweating and grinding on each other. Very guy thing.

Both the National Hockey League and National Basketball Association are about to enter the playoffs. Good. Get these seasons done with so a champion can be crowned, whether that champion be legitimate or the result of game fixing.

If you’re a betting person, put your money on the Boston Celtics and the San Jose Sharks. Those teams are going to win their respective leagues. Here’s why?

The Boston Celtics have not just feasted on their weak Eastern Conference, but have also been able to compete and win against the mighty Western Conference. There is only three teams in their conference that could pose a threat to them. Detroit is always a threat because they are a good team, but their time has passed. Washington isn’t very good, but for some reason, has been able to beat Boston twice this season. I don’t think anybody really knows how. And Cleveland. It’s always hard to bet against the face of the league because the league wants its face to win and win often. But barring any sort of fix or freak injuries, Boston can only lose to two teams: Detroit or Washington. But I still think in a seven game series, Boston has the advantage with their stingy defense.

As for the West, there are at least 9 teams there that could win the conference. It’s a shame that only 8 of them will be granted access to the playoffs. It’s too close to call who will come out of that conference, but it is rather irrelevant. Boston will beat any team in the finals this year.

As for hockey, it’s San Jose’s turn to win the title. Are they the best team? Can another team beat them? It matters not. It’s their turn. They will win. The fix is in.

If a team does beat them, watch in the off-season as that winning team is destroyed in a manner such as the Oilers were destroyed two years ago. Playing through the fix only hurts the team in the long run.

And the baseball season is beginning now. Lots of teams look good this year. The Mets and Tigers look really good. The Red Sox are the defending champions. But in baseball, one or two pitching injuries can cripple a team. My fave, the Braves, they’re not going anywhere this year. That’s a shame.

And April is coming soon. What does that mean? That means the Maple Leafs are booking tee times.

---

Last night I saw this television show called Miss Guided. I have never heard of this show before. It’s one of those no-audience sitcoms with a whole heap of cutaway jokes. (Too many television programs are using cutaways these days.) The premise seems to be the adventures of a high school guidance counselor who just might be crazy.

Was this show any good? Meh. Was this show worth watching? Meh. Was this show better than everything else on TV last night? Probably. Will this program succeed? Nope, it’s a show that requires writing and acting by professional writers and actors. And frankly, those people cost money. Television networks would much rather just spoon-feed us more Dancing with Survivors and Washed-up Pseudo Celebrity Bikini Hot Tub Party.

Remember when the worst thing on TV on a Thursday night was Will & Grace? Where have you gone James Burrows? Our Neilson turns its lonely eyes to you.

Insomnia Blogging: Racial Tensions

This morning, insomnia reared its ugly head yet again. My usual nocturnal television watching habits therefore returned as well.

CNN was focusing its efforts on the goings on in Detroit. You see, the mayor of Detroit is being brought up on charges of lying under oath in regards to having had an affair with his chief of staff. (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: if our elected officials can’t get a little pussy on the side, what hope is there for the rest of us?) It seemed to me that everybody on the Lou Dobbs show last night was black. All the key figures in the story (the mayor and his chief of staff) were black. All the guests and so-called experts brought in to discuss this story were black. It just seemed a bit odd to me. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Or maybe CNN wants only black people talking about news stories involving black people.

Eventually I grew bored of the news and watched King of the Hill instead. In this episode, Hank was being courted to join a country club that caters to Asian Americans. The club needed him to join in order to appease the PGA and show that the club has white members.

Why do we still judge people based on the colour of their skin? It’s so much easier to judge people by their political affiliations. Oh, what’s that you say? You’re a Liberal. Well fuck you Libby! We don’t want you kind ’round here! Why don’t you go home and smoke a doobie with Maggie Trudeau and Keith Richards. You make me sick.

In completely unrelated news, remember that contest in which my friend Columbia put up $500 as an incentive to get Bob to go out and get laid. Well, the Wonder Twins look to be adding some incentive on top of that.

Recently, Bob has let it be known that he wants to cocoon himself in his home and play video games online. He’s just missing the XBox he would need to play the games. It looks like the Wonder Twins are going to offer up an XBox to Bob as a reward if he can pick up a woman.

Speaking of gaming, I’ve been playing a bit lately too. A game called Rainbow Six Vegas. I’m a picky guy when it comes to video games. I like a first person shooter that’s not so realistic. But this game is slowly growing on me. Or maybe I just like running around shooting Mexicans.

Sarah Chalke on HIMYM

I dislike advertising. It’s evil. All week, every ad for How I Met Your Mother was pushing the guest appearance by Britney Spears. By putting her on that show only makes me want to watch the show less. What the ads didn’t even bother to mention was the guest appearance by Sarah Chalke.

Of the two guest stars on that episode, I would much rather watch Sarah Chalke act than Britney Spears. And not just because I think Sarah Chalke is more attractive (she is), but I like her as a sitcom actress. Sure, she was basically playing a similar character to her Dr. Elliott Reed on Scrubs, but it worked on this show too.

But on to more pressing matters, How I Met Your Mother has peaked. Introduce Tracy and stop the show, now. It’s done. Endut!