It’s no secret, I love The Simpsons. One of the suggestions I received to write a post about was a list of suggestions I gave to DarcKnyt a little while back. Karma’s a bitch. He sent me back a copy of the very list I gave him. I’m taking one of those suggestions and using it for blogfodder. Here is a list of my ten favourite Simpsons episodes. Assembling this list was not easy. So many hilarious Simpsons episodes were cast aside by these ten.

#10 – Homer’s Triple Bypass

In this episode, Homer suffers from severe heart problems and requires open heart surgery. Due to the family’s finances, Homer hires Doctor Nick Riviera to perform the surgery. Unfortunetely, Dr. Nick is incompetant.

In this episode, Dr. Hibbert abuses a weak, hospitalized Homer because the heart attacks have made Homer “weak as a kitten.” Mr. Burns also verbally assaults Homer to death. The entire beratement sequence is a rollercoaster of emotions. Burns is nice, then mean, then nice, then mean, and so on. The entire sequence shows a closeup of Homer’s heart as it speeds up and slows down when Burns’ demeanor changes. When Homer collapses, the closeup shot of his heart quickly flashes all four standard playing card suits. Homer’s life is only saved when Burns decides to send Homer’s widow a ham. Homer’s ghost, upon hearing a ham would be coming to his family, re-enters the body. Upon regaining life, Burns cancel’s the ham. I guess Homer was just not destined to have ham that night for dinner.

This is also a very touching episode as Homer has to come to terms that he may die and leave his family without their beloved Homer. He fails to get life insurance because he has a heart attack while filling out the insurance form. He seeks financial aid from every religious organization he can find. He even admits he’s a bad Christian because he mentally undresses women in church.

#9 – Flaming Moe’s

Moe is afraid his bar is going to go out of business so Homer shows him how to make a new drink. Turns out the drink is incredibly tasty, but Moe takes all the credit for it. The success of the drink turns Moe’s Tavern into the trendiest bar in town but Homer feels neglected by Moe. Rightly so, Moe didn’t give Homer any credit, financial or otherwise.

At the peak of Moe’s success, Aerosmith begins playing the bar. Steven Tyler doesn’t know where he is though. He thinks he’s playing in St. Louis. Joe Perry has to correct him, but Steven doesn’t seem to care.

In typical lovable-loser style, Homer destroys the success of Moe’s right before Moe was about to cut him in on the profits. Homer unveils the secret ingredient in the drink. Moe did enjoy the success he had. He started sleeping with a waitress he hired who looked remarkably like Shelley Long on Cheers. There are a couple other Cheers knockoffs in this episode: Barney becomes Norm and Moe hires a Woody-esque bartender. There is even a Flaming Moe’s song which is a lot like the theme song to Cheers.

#8 – Bart’s Friend Falls in Love

Milhouse falls in love with the new girl in the class while the class is taught sexual education by use of a cartoon featuring a pair of bunny rabbits. The cartoon is quite graphic and shows actual copulation. The class sees the cartoon although, us, the television audience do not. We only see the classes disgusted reaction. Mrs. Krabappel, having been around the block, is convinced that the female bunny in the cartoon is faking it. Why a cartoon bunny rabbit in a sex. ed. video would fake an orgasm is beyond me, but who cares? That’s what makes it so damn funny.

Like many great episodes, the b-story provides endless laughter to the audience. Homer begins using a subliminal message audio cassette in his sleep to help him lose weight. But, the distributor sends Homer a vocabulary builder instead. Because the tape’s message is subliminal, Homer does not realize he’s being taught something different than what he requested. To make matters worse, the vocabulary he’s learning has a food theme. The tape is making his appetite grow along with his vocabulary. He became so verbose that Marge didn’t realize he was coming on to her in bed. When Homer gives up on the tape, his vocabulary implodes and he can no longer remember simple words like spoon, >em>Marge, where’s that metal dealie, use to, dig, food?

At the end of the episode, all of Homer’s new words are listed with a definition. Here is the list with definitions: (and people say The Simpsons isn’t educational, bah!)

Homer Sez:
Increase Your Wordiness

Satiety: Belt-popping fullness
Triumverate: Three guys giving orders
Gourmand: Like a gourmet, only fatter
Machiavellian: I don’t know
Boudoir: Where a french guy does it

This episode features Milhouse’s greatest comedic line, delivered when he was describing the fate of his relationship with Samantha: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. It’s a simple little joke, but it always makes me laugh. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen jokes about people not knowing the outcome of Romeo and Juliet, but still, I always find it funny.

#7 – Itchy & Scratchy: the Movie

More than anything else, it’s just a lot of Itchy & Scratchy clips. Bart is denied from seeing the movie as a punishment for various atrocities.

In this episode, Homer is shown having an odd amount of knowledge about America’s Chief Justices of the Supreme Court. Although he does believe one of the Chief Justices was both a judge and an exotic dancer.

We all know Bart is a troublemaker, but in this episode, he does some pretty awful stuff. His teacher tells Marge that Bart has: Synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, and replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs. We also see Bart steal Abe’s dentures to chomp and break LPs; he smashes mustards packets on the carpet with a hammer; and he loses track of Maggie who eventually takes the family car for a joyride. To get out of some punishments, he sidetracks Homer by asking his father how to avoid jury duty. He even requests a spanking instead of being forced to miss the movie. Bart goes so far as to drop his pants. Homer’s response, Don’t point that thing at me.

#6 – Homer Goes to College

A nuclear reglatory body forces Homer to get his college diploma before they’ll let him return to work as a nuclear safety technician. Homer being uneducated thinks college is exactly likes the colleges in the movies he’s seen. Unfortunetely, he’s seen movies which are essentially, bad knock-offs of Animal House.

While at college, Homer befriends some nerds without realizing the young men are nerds, the people he vowed to give grief to. In typical 80s college movie fashion, Homer plays pranks on the dean (who is nothing like the deans he has envisioned) and steals a rival college’s mascot. The theft of Sir Oinksalot gets the three nerds expelled from school. They then go to live with the Simpson family and cause nothing but problems for the Simpsons.

The episode is at it’s funniest whenever Homer is being a complete moron but with the confidence that he knows what he’s doing. Homer rarely ever knows what he’s doing. He twice causes near meltdowns and one of the times, without any nuclear material being involved. It is his misconceptions about college life that never get tiresome. He truly believes in the cheesy movies he’s seen as being reality of college life. No matter how his real life differs from his dream, Homer repeatedly fails to notice.

#5 – Whacking Day

The town of Springfield holds it’s annual snake smacking festival, Whacking Day. A very simple concept, all the townspeople assemble to hit snakes with sticks and clubs. In the meantime, Bart gets expelled from school for hitting Superintendant Chalmers while joyriding on Groundskeeper Willy’s tractor.

Bart becomes homeschooled by Marge after Bart gets kicked out of a Christian school mere minutes into his first day. She turns the garage into a classroom and invites Abe to speak to Bart about World War II. Abe tells a tale about riding out the war in Dusseldorf posing as a German cabaret singer, going so far as to catch the eye of one Adolf Hitler, until Abe’s bra opens up and a coconut rolls out. Bart challenges the validity of the story and it turns out, Abe was just a crossdresser in the forties.

The Whacking Day premise is very funny. Homer trains for it with wooden pop-up snakes around his backyard. It’s like for one day in the year, Homer turns into Bruce Lee. Lisa doesn’t like the practice of whacking snakes and she enlists the help of Bart and Barry White to save all the snakes in town.

#4 – New Kid on the Block

The Simpsons get new neighbours and Bart falls in love with the teenage daughter.

The episode’s b-story (one of the greatest b-stories every) begins with Homer and Marge going to the Frying Dutchman for all-you-can-eat seafood. This is the first appearance of Captain McAllister as he is running the seafood restaurant. He is the one who orders Homer leaving the Frying Dutchman. Homer takes such offense to this ousting and sues the restaurant over the claim of “all-you-can-eat.” In a strange twist, Lionel Hutz is actually a competant attorney for the Simpsons, defending Homer’s claim well in court. Aided by a well-chosen jury of fat people, Homer and the sea captain settle out-of-court for not money, but more seafood.

The following is Lionel Hutz questioning Marge on the witness stand:

Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn’t find one?
Marge: [crying] We… went… fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Jury Man: No, that could’ve been me!

Meanwhile, Bart has a hard time dealing with his affections over the neighbour girl Laura. She isn’t interested in him, her fancies fall towards Jimbo Jones instead, one of Bart’s schoolyard bullies. Bart tricks Moe into terrorizing Jimbo to get him out of the picture. While Moe is off hunting for Jimbo Jones, Barney steals beer direct from the tap. He couldn’t even bother to pour it into a stein. Barney just lied down on the bar, with his head underneath the tap and pulled the tab down. He drank until his heart stopped. Once it began to beat again, he drank some more.

#3 – Cape Feare

Sideshow Bob is released from prison and goes after Bart. The episode is pretty well a knock-off of the remake of Cape Feare. The Simpsons, in hopes to elude Sideshow Bob, go into the Witness Relocation Program and become the Thompsons in Terror Lake. Although, it takes Homer a really long time to understand the concept of having his name changed to Homer Thompson.

Throughout the episode, Sideshow Bob is stalking Bart. He drives down Evergreen Terrace and begins listing residents of the street in which he won’t kill. Of course, he omits Bart’s name from his list. Everyone else seems relieved that Bob won’t kill them. Bob trails the family by strapping himself to the bottom of their car. Turns out, that’s how he travels. I don’t quite understand why. Due to his traveling underneath cars, Bob gets driven through a cactus patch and run over by a parade saluting Hannibal’s crossing the Alps, complete with elephants.

After stalking Bart throughout the episode, Sideshow Bob’s plan to exact his revenge seems pretty simple, he’s gonna chop Bart with a machete. Bart foils Sideshow Bob’s simple plan by tricking him into singing some classic Gilbert and Sullivan until the cops arrive.

Some classic moments in this episode include: McBain’s talk show where he calls the entire audience homosexuals; Sideshow Bob telling the parole board that his tattoo that reads “Die Bart, die” really is just German for “The Bart, the;” Patty wanting to kill Selma because Selma is always leaving the toilet seat up and Sideshow Bob repeatedly stepping on rakes that flip up and smack him in the face. There are many more hilarious scenes in this episode, but I think I’ve given you enough to laugh as you remember the classic hilarity.

Okay, the Sideshow Bob versus the rake thing. It has reappeared in later Sideshow Bob episodes. It is just so perfect. He just keeps getting hit by the rakes. In this episode, it happens so many times that it begins to get tiresome. But then it keeps going and becomes funny again, in fact, it becomes funnier. Not only is it a guy stepping on a rake, but the sheer enormity and abundance of the rake hits to his face (and Bob’s patented reaction to the rake hit) becomes a joke about a joke.

#2 – You Only Move Twice

This is the Hank Scorpio episode. Nuff said.

Oh, you want a description anyway? Okay, here we go.

Homer gets headhunted by the Globex Corporation to run their nuclear power plant in Cyprus Creek. Turns out, the entire town is occupied by this Globex Corporation. It’s a planned community for the corporation’s employees. But the head of Globex isn’t just another businessman, he’s a maniacal tyrant hellbent on world domination. And he’s voiced by the ever-adlibbing Albert Brooks.

This town is basically bizarro Springfield. Everything is backwards. Turns out, Homer is good at his job when motivated by a caring and attentive boss. The rest of the family do not adjust well though. Marge is bored by having no housework to do, Lisa is allergic to everything and Bart is put in the remedial class.

The highlight of the episode is the character of Hank Scorpio. He’s a flame-thrower wielding Bond villian, but he’s also a really nice guy. He welcomed the family when they arrived in town and he always made time for Homer. Frankly, he’s the boss we all wish to have someday.

#1 – Last Exit to Springfield

My favourite Simpsons episode is (9F15) Last Exit to Springfield. For people who don’t know Simpsons episodes by title, that’s the one where Homer becomes the head of the power plant labour union and leads the strike to get back the dental plan benefit. But if you really look at it, Homer doesn’t do much leading, it’s mostly Carl.

Some notable scenes include: Lisa playing Classical Gas on guitar and Lenny snapping along to it; Homer’s “Burrito” chant; the negotiations between Homer and Burns which break down two ways: Homer thinking Burns is coming on to him and considering it flattering and then Homer pissing in some random room in Burns’ house; the Purple Submersable dream sequence, which is legalese for the Yellow Submarine knock-off; the Big Book of British Smiles; Burns’ thousand monkeys chained to typewriters toiling away and smoking; the Macbain movie scene at the very beginning of the episode where Macbain pops out of an ice scuplture; the Grinch knock-off scene where Burns wonders how the union can still be cheerful even after all the power has been turned off.

Okay, think about that scene. Burns plays the part of the Grinch and Smithers is the dog. The animators were able to maintain that Simpsonian style while bringing in two other styles and have all three distinct styles visible. The Grinch was Dr. Suess and drawn in that style. The Grinch cartoon was animated by Chuck Jones. Chuck Jones managed to both ape Suess’s style while keeping his own. On the Simpsons, in this scene, I think it was either Mark Kirkland or Susie Dietter who animated the scene. Whoever did it, did it perfectly. The aping of multiple styles and still being able to show each individual style. Just wow. And that folks, that’s hand-drawn animation. None of this computer drawn crap that we see today. That was all hand-drawn, hand-coloured animation. That ladies and gentlemen, that’s art!

So… Yup… That’s my favourite Simpsons episode. It’s just so funny. There’s non-stop laughter in that one.

Oooh! How could I forget??? Abe’s best old-man story. This is where Abe Simpson is telling Burns how he can be an effective strike breaker.

We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah – the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

There you have it. My ten favourite Simpsons episodes. And I know what you’re thinking? What about the episode where Krusty the Clown gets cancelled and has that big comeback special with Johnny Carson and Hugh Hefner? What about the one where Bart and Lisa write an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon and let Abe take the credit? What about the one where Troy McClure marryies Selma? That one was all kinds of nasty, but it was very funny. What about the episode where Marge gets Itchy & Scratchy to tone down the violence? That’s the one with the incredibly gay I&S short with the lemonade. Or the one where Homer nearly cheats on Marge with Mindy? Or the one with Lurleen Lumpkin? (You know, for a fat, bald moron, Homer gets his chance with some pretty hot babes.) What about the episode where Homer is homophobic? Or the one where Homer moves in with a gay couple? What about the episode where Ralph Wiggum falls in love with Lisa? (That’s the one with Sideshow Raheem.) Or the Kamp Krusty episode?

There are more than 400 episodes. Not everybody is going to agree on what are the funniest and best episodes. There are so many hilarious moments on The Simpsons. You may think that the “See My Vest” song catapults 2 Dozen and 1 Greyhounds to being the best episode. Actually, as you read that last sentence, you started humming “See My Vest,” didn’t you?

But I had to whittle everything down into a list of ten. You think that was easy for me. Hell no! I stand behind my choices. It’s a perfectly cromulent list. But feel free to voice your opinions in the comments. Argue with me, agree with me. It’s all good.

The women I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had using eHarmony. So far, five women.

1. We met for a coffee, had a nice chat. It took a while for things to get going, but it seemed like a really nice time was had by both. That of course was not true, because even though I had called her to setup a second date, she never seemed to be able to give me a firm date or call me back. I’m dimwitted, but eventually I took the hint.
2. We met for coffee. Well, I had a coffee, she had a smoothie or something. She said she wanted to see me again. I thought we had a great first meeting. We made plans to see each other again. Then she cancelled them and made it clear to me that she didn’t want to see me again.
3. We met for coffee. Instead of just sitting and talking, we walked around a bit. Neither of us seemed to hit it off with each other. And we went our seperate ways.
4. I thought I had something with this fourth woman. We saw each other a few times. I really liked this one. Last time we saw each other, that moment happened when there was a silence. I do not know what to do with silences. At was at that point I probably said or did something stupid. I’ve talked to her a couple of times since she said she didn’t want to see me again. She was unwilling to communicate her true feelings with me. That hurt. Not sure if I’m over her yet.
5. We met for dinner and drinks. She seemed really interesting. But, the usual result happened, never heard from her again.

What have I learned from all of this? Well, I went into this thinking that I had met some pretty mean women in my life and they did some messed up stuff to me over the years. I did my best to put those feelings aside and get out there and meet some new women. Still, I get rejected without reason about half the time. I get told one thing, but that thing just isn’t true. Sure, nobody has messed with my head the way this bitch has, but I’m not exactly getting reason to think women aren’t going to hurt me. I keep giving them each the benefit of the doubt and having my hope and faith tested. Each test, apparently, I fail.

I was asked this question by Christielli, What’s your favourite dinosaur? On the surface, it’s a pretty simple and silly in a fun sort of way question. Well, to most people. To me though. This question has the ability to open a heaping can of worms. This is like a Pandora’s Box sort of question.

My favourite dinosaur is the most vicious of all dinosaurs. This dinosaur isn’t really that bright, but this dinosaur is fearless, brash, cocky and tenacious. My favourite dinosaur is Grimlock. He no bozo, he king!

That’s right, my favourite dinosaur is a Transformer. What were you expecting me to write, Dino? (Remember that first episode with Dino where Dino could actually talk and would outsmart Fred? That was a weird one.)

Grimlock was the leader of the Dinobots. They were all kinda nuts, but Grimlock was the craziest. In Dinosaur mode, he tried to kick Unicron’s ass, literally. He started kicking Unicron’s ass. Didn’t get very far. Unicron is the size of planet, actually, Unicron eats planets. But Grimlock didn’t let that stop him.

When me and my brother were kids, our parents never bought us the big, popular Transformers. We had plenty of the smaller characters: Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, Ravage, Frenzy, those sorts of guys. Grimlock was a very popular toy and it was nearly impossible to get a hold of. A cousin of ours was able to get one. My brother, took some amazing initiative; he studied the Grimlock toy and replicated it out of Lego. I wish I kept it instead of eventually taking it apart to make other Lego toys. That would be so cool to have now.

Sparkling Red wrote: Which people in your life are similar to various Muppets, and why?

If people in my life were Muppets, which Muppet would they be.

Carmine kind of already is a Muppet. When (he rarely ever does) shave his moustache, his bare lip looks like a Muppet’s upper lip. At which point, Juice and I both call him Kermine in our best Miss Piggy voice.

My mother would be Miss Piggy. She is often willing to hit me and hard.

The Wonder Twins, I guess would be Bert and Ernie. Don’t ask me who is who. I don’t want to think about it too deeply.

I guess I would be Cookie Monster. I often gorge myself on sugary treats.

The Big Z is Grover because he thinks he’s a superhero.

Janet is Big Bird because she’s got this friend whom nobody has ever met, just like Snuffleupagus.

And Juice would be Gonzo. Duh!

What would you like me to blog about?

On the way in to work, I stopped to get gas. Leaving the gas bar, I had to turn right back onto the street. The two lane street. I had to wait though as a car was coming my way taking up both lanes. No, this car wasn’t two lanes wide. It was just a small Nissan sedan driving in the middle of the street, taking up both lanes.

Eventually, when there was a hole in the traffic, I turned right onto the street and made my way south towards work. Up ahead in the distance, I saw the flashing red and blue lights of York Region’s finest. As did everybody else on the street. Every car moved over to the left lane to give the squad car the space required to reprimand the car being pulled over. Obviously, that left lane moved slowly as two lanes worth of cars had to fit into one. And some rubber-necking also took place.

I took the opportunity to glance over a bit too. In front of the stopped squad car was that Nissan sedan again. The driver, had her head poking out of the window, peering back towards the squad car. She had this look on her face like she didn’t know what she had done to warrant being pulled over. But I’m guessing reckless driving.

Justice, baby, justice.

Reasons I just might be a woman and don’t know it.

• I watch Friends, a lot.
• I go to a salon, not a barbershop.
• Women don’t want to date me.
• I put mousse in my hair.
• I equate food with love.
• I know the women’s network is channel 27 and I have watched it from time to time.
• Godiva Chocolatier has me on their mailing list.
• I’ve started watching Corrie Street, just a little bit. Have no clue what anybody is saying.
• I like to shop.
• Two words: jazz hands.

It’s Christmas catalog season. I feel sorry for the postal workers having the lug these things around.

When I was a kid, I loved the Sears catalog. The back was always the toy section.

A couple nights ago I was going through my parents’ mail. My father got a seasonal catalog from Louis Vuitton. (Yeah, I know, my dad’s a peacock.) My mother and I looked through the catalog. There was this crocodile-skin bag. It was kinda big, maybe it was like a shoulder bag as opposed to a purse. But really, what do I know, I’m a dude. I don’t do the purse.

Unlike most catalogs, the prices are on a seperate page which is not bound to the catalog.

“Hey Ma, guess how much that bag costs?”

“Oh gee, I dunno, 15 grand.”

“Higher.”

The bag was listed at 32,000 dollars.

32,000 dollars.

32 grand for a purse. It’s not a magical bag of holding. It’s just a purse. It’s a bit big compared to other Louis Vuitton bags, but it’s not like you can fit a car in there. Which by the way, you could buy instead of the bag. You can get a decent car for 32,000 dollars today.

Peace, I hate the word, as I hate Hell and all Montagues.

I don’t know who said that. I’m pretty sure it was John Leguizamo. Leonardo DiCaprio played Romeo who was a Montague. So, I figure John played the rival from the Capulet family. I never actually saw that movie though, so I could be wrong. I tried to watch it once. I got about thirty seconds in and there was this extreme closeup of one character. I took the movie off immediately.

The closeup was very uncomfortable. It was shot in that martial arts comedy movie style. Think of the closeups in movies like Rumble in the Bronx. I can’t stand those closeups. The shots are quick, the character being featured is often shouting something or doing something. The shot preps the viewer for the begining of an action sequence. This closeup is a little too campy for my liking. It creates an uneasy juxtaposition of images. I don’t like it.

But…

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is my favourite movie. It is a movie I hold with a very, very high regard. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly has a lot of closeups, extreme closeups, so close only half of the character’s face can be seen. And I love it.

So, why love Leone’s use, but hate Baz Luhrmann’s use or Jackie Chan’s use of the closeup? I had to think about it for a second. Are the closeups the same, or different? They’re different.

Leone’s closeups are sudden, but they breakup shots of great panoramic views and landscapes. Leone doesn’t go from the closeup directly to action, the closeup is the action. Take the final scene of the film, Eli Wallach is being shown in closeup as he is hanging, trying to get out of the noose. The camera then cuts to Clint Eastwood far off in the distance. So far away is Clint, that he is little more than a blur.

Or take the second to last scene, the western “Draw!” shoot-out. A western movie’s shoot-out is a very quick piece of action footage. The leadup is the real action. Leone doesn’t go from closeup of one actor then to the next; he builds to the closeup. In this film, the shoot-out is a triangle, three combatants. The camera shows one actor, full body is seen, then the next actor, then the next. With each change of shot, the camera closes in on the subject. The changes are quick. The actors are emoting with only their faces or the occasional shot of a twitching hand about to reach for a pistol. The closeups get so close, the viewer can only see a pair of eyes. And because of the shoot-out’s triangle formation, the eyes are always darting left and right. The closeup isn’t just showing the actor as big as possible, it’s showing all the action of the scene. The fight is happening between the three characters, they just don’t happen to be moving.

And then with a bang, it’s all over.